I have just completed my fourth Vipassana
December 2018
Yesterday afternoon during my daily reporting with Prah Ajahn Suphon, the head monk at Wat Ram Poeng in Chiang Mai, Thailand, I was "released from "voluntary solitary confinement," my phrase for what the temple calls "in determination." When I came for my third Vipassana this past January, I was told when I had completed my ten days by the nun who is head of the foreign office at the Wat that during my next visit, it is time for my "in determination" what she referred to as “graduation.” There is an option for meditators to come for a 26 day stay and do their "in determination" at the end of their stay. My stays have been ten days, fifteen days, ten days, and this time twelve days, consecutively. Adding them all up, I have meditated at the temple on my first three Vipassanas a total of 35 days and now 47 days total. So I added some days to this visit to prepare for it as she instructed, one needed at least 12 days, maybe more, because preparation for "in determination" was necessary and during the daily reports with the monk, he will decide when you are ready. So five days ago, Prah Ajahn Suphan told me I would be going "in determination" after reporting the the next evening. The next evening, he handed me a sign instructing me to hang it on my bedroom door, with the words:
IN DETERMINATION
PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB
THANK YOU
This morning as I type these words sitting on the balcony outside my guest house room overlooking the Ping River in Chiang Mai, I am feeling more refreshed and happy than I have ever been in my life. I can not describe in words the feeling. I feel I received a message from the universe this morning checking my email for the first time in two weeks, from one of my Krishnamurti daily messages. I am not in the habit of reading these daily but happened to open this one which was sent nine days ago.
This message affirms my belief that this experience is too difficult to express in words the feelings which come from it. And possibly it may take away from the benefits of the experience if I try too hard to explain it in words, especially that of being in complete solitude during "in determination" and meditating continually without sleep. As always, when I am completing my Vipassana and it's challenges of hour after hour of meditating, especially wondering when the timer is going to go off during eventually a total hour of walking meditation, I wonder at those times why I put my self through this and think that I will never be back after this one. I wanted to write these words this morning, especially for my own reminder that it is the feelings when you walk away from the experience which are the great benefit, those feelings of happiness and true clarity. When I got back last night from the temple to the beautiful guest house where I stay every year, I was still having this feeling that I may never return to the Wat. But after a total of at least eight hours of the most restful sleep I have ever had, except for being awakened one time with a severe cramp in my foot I had to walk off, I awoke with great contentment and a pure joy of life. The Ying Yang of life, it is like the conversation I will always remember I heard years ago between my then four year old nephew David and his four year old girlfriend, Lily. They began a discussion on death in the back seat of my sister's car because we had just passed a graveyard. They agreed that death happens some time when you get very sick. But some times you get sick because when you are sick, you feel better after you are sick than you felt before you are sick. Is this not one of the reasons to put my self through this annual experience of a Vipassana? Is it that after Vipassana, one experiences the every day life outside of the experience in a deeper way?
Quotes from J. Krishnamurti:
Effort is distraction from what is.
We must understand the problem of striving. If we can understand the significance of effort, then we can translate it into action in our daily life. Does not effort mean a struggle to change what is into what it is not, or what it should be, or what it should become? We are constantly escaping from what is, to transform or modify it. He who is truly content is he who understands what is, who gives the right significance to what is. True contentment lies not in few or many possessions, but in understanding the whole significance of what is. Only in passive awareness is the meaning of what is understood. I am not, at the moment, talking of the physical struggle with the earth, with construction or a technical problem, but of psychological striving. The psychological struggles and problems always overshadow the physiological. You may build a careful social structure, but as long as the psychological darkness and strife are not understood, they invariably overturn the carefully built structure.
Effort is distraction from what is. In the acceptance of what is, striving ceases. There is no acceptance when there is the desire to transform or modify what is. Striving, an indication of destruction, must exist so long as there is a desire to change what is.
The Book of Life, August 28, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995
The flash of understanding
I do not know if you have noticed that there is understanding when the mind is very quiet, even for a second; there is the flash of understanding when the verbalization of thought is not. Just experiment with it and you will see for yourself that you have the flash of understanding, that extraordinary rapidity of insight, when the mind is very still, when thought is absent, when the mind is not burdened with its own noise. So, the understanding of anything—
—of a modern picture, of a child, of your wife, of your neighbor, or the understanding of truth which is in all things—can only come when the mind is very still. But such stillness can not be cultivated because if you cultivate a still mind, it is not a still mind, it is a dead mind.
... The more you are interested in something, the more your intention to understand, the more simple, clear, free the mind is. Then verbalization ceases. After all, thought is word, and it is the word that interferes. It is the screen of words, which is memory, that intervenes between the challenge and the response. It is the word that is responding to the challenge, which we call intellection. So, the mind that is chattering, that is verbalizing, cannot understand truth—truth in relationship, not an abstract truth. There is no abstract truth. But truth is very subtle. It is the subtle that is difficult to follow. It is not abstract. It comes so swiftly, so darkly, it cannot be held by the mind. Like a thief in the night, it comes darkly, not when you are prepared to receive it.
The Book of Life, September 6, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995
Free from the net of time
Without meditation, there is no self-knowledge; without self- knowledge, there is no meditation. So, you must begin to know what you are. You cannot go far without beginning near, without understanding your daily process of thought, feeling , and action. In other words, thought must understand its own working, and when you see yourself in operation, you will observe that thought moves from the known to the known. You cannot think about the unknown. That which you know is not real because what you know is only in time. To be free from the net of time is the important concern, not to think about the unknown, because you cannot think about the unknown. The answers to your prayers are of the known. To receive the unknown, the mind itself must become the unknown. The mind is the result of the thought process, the result of time, and this thought process must come to an end. The mind cannot think of that which is eternal, timeless; therefore, the mind must be free of time, the time process of the mind must be dissolved. Only when the mind is completely free from yesterday, and is therefore not using the present as a means to the future, is it capable of receiving the eternal. ... Therefore, our concern in meditation is to know oneself, not only superficially, but the whole content of the inner, hidden consciousness. Without knowing all that and being free of its conditioning, you cannot possibly go beyond the mind’s limits. That is why the thought process must cease, and for this cessation there must be knowledge of oneself. Therefore meditation is the beginning of wisdom, which is the understanding of one’s own mind and heart.
The Book of Life, December 22, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995
Meditation
I am going step by step into what is meditation. Please don’t wait till the end, hoping to have a complete description of how to meditate. What we are doing now is part of meditation.
Now, what one has to do is to be aware of the thinker, and not try to resolve the contradiction and bring about an integration between thought and the thinker. The thinker is the psychological entity who has accumulated experience as knowledge; he is the time-bound center that is the result of ever-changing environmental influence, and from this center he looks, he listens, he experiences. As long as one does not understand the structure and the anatomy of this center, there must always be conflict, and a mind in conflict cannot possibly understand the depth and the beauty of meditation.
In meditation there can be no thinker, which means that thought must come to an end—the thought which is urged forward by the desire to achieve a result. Meditation has nothing to do with achieving a result. It is not a matter of breathing in a particular way, or looking at your nose, or awakening the power to perform certain tricks, or any of the rest of that immature nonsense. ... Meditation is not something apart from life. When you are driving a car or sitting in a bus, when you are chatting aimlessly, when you are walking by yourself in a wood or watching a butterfly being carried along by the wind—to be choicelessly aware of all that is part of meditation.
The Book of Life, December 23, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995
Aloneness is not loneliness
Though we are all human beings, we have built walls between ourselves and our neighbors through nationalism, through race, caste, and class—which again breeds isolation, loneliness. Now a mind that is caught in loneliness, in this state of isolation, can never possibly understand what religion is. It can believe, it can have certain theories, concepts, formulas, it can try to identify itself with that which it calls God; but religion, it seems to me, has nothing whatsoever to do with any belief, with any priest, with any church or so-called sacred book. The state of the religious mind can be understood only when we begin to understand what beauty is; and the understanding of beauty must be approached through total aloneness. Only when the mind is completely alone can it know what is beauty, and not in any other state.
Aloneness is obviously not isolation, and it is not uniqueness. To be unique is merely to be exceptional in some way, whereas to be completely alone demands extraordinary sensitivity, intelligence, understanding. To be completely alone implies that the mind is free of every kind of influence and is therefore uncontaminated by society; and it must be alone to understand what is religion—which is to find out for oneself whether there is something immortal, beyond time.
The Book of Life, December 2, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995
Friday, September 13, 2019
I have just found a draft below never published transcribed from part of my journal written during my second year of meditation. I will work on transcribing more of my journal. My third Vipassana was with my cousin in January of 2018. I did not journal much this time. I returned for a fourth time in December of 2018 and return for a fifth time this November 2019.
January 14, 2017 day two
January 14, 2017 day two
It has been easier than I thought it would be. My grandson, Tyler gave me the awareness when he asked if I were excited about going to Thailand. I realized how apprehensive I was, not looking forward to the first days since it had been so difficult last year. Now here this first evening and the following morning have been pleasurable, it proves I am in a different place. No fears, no trying to control and analyze my future, more present. I am learning more and able to let go, we should look upon our future with happiness, not worries because we have no idea what the future brings. We only have this present moment.
Sunday, January 15 day three
I have the title of old student now not because I am old but because I have been here before. Every now and then the foreign Monk guide asked me to explain things to the new students. Only one other student in this large group of 25 has been here before but her stay was in 2004. Sarah lives in Italy and is from New Zealand. The group is mostly travelers and dual resident meditators. There are very few Americans, mostly Europeans in this group, one man is from Colorado who teaches ESL in China.
Today the women reported to the female monk and the men to the male monk and we will continue to alternate our reporting visits with each teacher during our stay. I came a few minutes early and was able to see the monk first. I did my three bows to show my respect to and expressed
how grateful I was for her inspiration. In the opening, she asked those of us who had been here before to stay longer, giving us each instructions individually. I told her I had been meditating an hour each day since leaving last year, she smiled with pride at me. She gave me a card which told me to start with step three alternating with 30 minutes of sitting.
Today's mediation was rewarding, because I was determined to sit through the pain in my left hip, normally always having to change positions to lessen the pain. Toward the end, I was so happy that
my pain disappeared and felt proud that my practice was advancing to finally take the advise of many monks to accept and release the pain. When I walked to breakfast after my first walking and sitting practice, I felt a difference in my walk, as if I had been to a pt appointment.
my pain disappeared and felt proud that my practice was advancing to finally take the advise of many monks to accept and release the pain. When I walked to breakfast after my first walking and sitting practice, I felt a difference in my walk, as if I had been to a pt appointment.
January 16 Monday Day Four
The superior monk was not there at his home as he was every reporting period last year, we reported to an assistant monk, Prah Along. I showed him the instruction card the female monk had given me. He told me I was not supposed to do the fourth step until I had breathed into all the points, he showed me the sitting Buddha with the white dots and instructed me to breathe into six of the twenty eight points. I will remember to ask the female monk about their conflicting instructions.
After reporting, I chose to return to the patio our aide last year's room on the second floor. There are memories of sitting there last year with fellow meditators, Deborah and Rose.
Prostration walking sitting photos
The following photos are copied from a book I received during one of my five annual vipassanas in Wat Rampoeng in Chiang Mai Thailand. They exhibit in visual form the tools I have been learning these last four years of my ten days of silence. The first two photos show the specific positions of the prostrations. Beginning at four am each morning with five sets of two hour meditation periods during each of the consecutive days of silence, three bows are preformed. The second two photos are the six walking positions. When beginning the first year in 2015, the monk told me to begin with the first step and as days passed during my daily afternoon reportings with the monk, he or she advanced me through the steps eventually getting to the sixth step. The fourth photo is the specific way of turning when you reach the end of your chosen path. The last two photos are the proper way of meditative sitting and the 28 breathing points. The Thai monks have a saying, "Do not feed the monkey in your brain." I have found in these last years of my knowledge of the breathing points and practicing these points during my daily meditations, it helps me to get the monkey out of my brain and release all thoughts except that of being present. True your breath cannot go to these places but as you take these conscious breaths, you focus your thought on these points of your body.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Vippassana January 2016
March 2016
I am pleased that with the exception of a few days of too many things on my to do list, I have reserved time to meditate daily. I did wonder during my ten days if I would continue this practice. While in the temple, my thoughts would sometimes wonder about future places to meditate and come up with plans to meditate on my front balcony, at the beach either on the sand or the board walk, on Clara and Bill's back deck, and on the top of the roof at my Florida apartment building overlooking the lake. The first day after the end of my ten days, I awoke in Galare Guest House in Chiang Mai, lit candles and put my two small Buddhas purchased in the temple shop on the dresser, began with my three slow bows, walked out on the balcony wearing my Dad's white pajamas and did my forty minute walking mediation followed by my forty minute sitting meditation. I surprised the employee coming up the steps in the dark to turn off the porch lights, from his reaction stopping in his tracks, I think he thought I was a ghost. Returning to Bangkok for two weeks, my place was walking around the pool, I loved walking on the flat tile edge surrounding the pool and feeling the water running under my feet into the drain. It reminded of my walking meditation times in my favorite place I named the Buddha Garden and feeling the moss under my feet growing on the hundred plus years uneven tiles. And today I found a new place as I walked down an outside passage way at LAX airport before my flight. I just completed meditating on the plane but have found leaning against something as the plane seat, it is too easy to fall asleep especially after waking at three this morning to get from Ventura to LA to catch this early flight.
May 2016
I now have quite a list of places I have meditated since leaving the temple. As I write these words, I look over my meditation spot from this morning, my Grandfather's fishing pond. I have come here to spend time in this historical place of my upbringing. This morning I was so pleased with a vision and conversation with my grandfather during my meditation. He came to me to remind me of his strong love for the pond. The pond was our tool of communication and sharing of love with him. I was sitting meditating close to the spot of the most vivid memory of Granddaddy. It was the day he helped me catch a large fish, he was as happy as I was when we pulled it out of the water and he told me it was the biggest fish any of his grandchildren had caught. Speaking to my siblings and cousins later in life, they tell me they remember similar experiences of catching the largest fish. Whether it was truth or not, he gave me pride and confidence, thank you for this Granddaddy. And this morning during my sitting meditation on the edge of your pond, your figure floated into the right side of my mind as did the figure that asked me to come with him in the Buddha garden. You shared with me your love for the pond and the memory of us all, my siblings and cousins, riding in the back of your red truck to get to the pond. You shared your love and support of us and your desire to be with us and you shared your love of your beautiful pond with us. In my meditation, you told me this is where you wished to spend all of your time, is fishing the most meditative place with nature and teaching the patience of waiting for the feel of that desired nibble on the hook? Maybe it is you who has given me this genetic makeup to meditate regularly. I come inside and ask my aunt if it was true that Granddaddy wanted to spend all his time here. She told me there was one year he bragged about fishing every day and Grandmother would join him some to read a book at the cabin. Now the cabin is much larger and a home for my uncle and aunt. You have gifted this love for this special place for all of us. And now as you fished every day, I meditate every day.
My list of places include the balcony of my apartment in Ventura, the beach in Ventura, the boardwalk in Ventura, the sidewalk at the LAX airport, the balcony overlooking the woods at Clara and Bill's home, Liz's balcony outside her bedroom, the creek behind my school, the lake in front of my Dad's house in Lakeland, the rooftop of my apartment building in Lakeland, the lake in front of my apartment, the chair facing the lake in my apartment, the upstairs room looking over the marsh at my sister's beach house, the crow's nest on top of her house and the side balcony at my sister's house in Holden Beach, and now my grandfather's fishing pond.
I'm always seeking out new places and new people as like these places, as like a gypsy.
July 2016
Several months have passed since I have written this list of the places I have meditated and more places have been added to the list. Living in Florida part-time, I regularly meditate on the steps leading down to Lake Mirror in front of my apartment building, on the rooftop is nice if it's not too hot, and beside my apartment, there is a garden with tiles that reminds me of walking on the mossy tiles in the Buddha garden in Thailand. I have taken a few road trips both to the Florida East Coast and West Coast and love walking meditation in shallow water at the beaches. Another spot at my apartment is walking around the pool and just today it was so hot I decided to swim before my sitting meditation, what a pleasure it was to discover walking meditation in the pool, and holding on to the side of the pool, I was able to do it with my eyes closed, it felt like flying. I have discovered more pleasure in the walking meditation after doing it so regularly. It is difficult to explain the sensation in words received by walking so meticulously and slowly. One explanation I have arrived at is that it is like falling into one's self.
These are my notes I wrote daily during my 10 day Vipassana at Wat Ram Poeng in Chiang Mai, Thailand:
October 2016
January 9th
The beginning of my first Vipassana. I feel sure I can make it through these ten days with peace, rest, and gratitude for this gift. Not coincidentally that it is children's day today, planes were flying in formation to celebrate the day as my friend Kris drove me into the temple. I also overheard the sound of the air show planes overhead as we ate our lunch in silence with the monks. On this first day, it has been what I expected. It has brought back memories of my Buddhism classes in the eighties with Roger, a colleague teaching with me at the International School Bangkok. He was one in those days who chose to be a Buddhist monk for a year and he shared in his Buddhist classes his experience in the temple. I was envious of men at that time in the eighties who could experience the temples, foreign women were not allowed to do so and it is always something I have wished to experience. Now it is my time.
January 11th
After two full ten and a half hour days of meditation, I am not sure of any thoughts that last. These two days have been extremely difficult. Mostly as I walk and sit in mediation, my thoughts are wishing the time would pass faster. We meet with two teachers a nun and monk, alternatively late in the afternoon. We sit and wait our turn with several of our co meditators. We go up in front of them after bowing three times to the Buddha next to them and three times to the teacher as respect to Buddha and the teacher. The male teacher, Prah Ajahn Suphan, asked me what I was thinking while meditating. I told him I don't think much and some times I am thinking about thinking, meta cognition. I told him people come to me in my mind but no one recognizable. The monk laughed and responded, "day dreams."
January 12th
My morning meditation was the best thus far. I have read on the internet that others experience that the first three days are the most difficult. I finally relaxed into the moment, there became no more thoughts of wishing the time would move faster. My walking became more slow. I concentrated my awareness on each small moment. When I got to each wall in walking mediation, I would consciously say in my brain, stopping, stopping, stopping, intending to turn, intending to turn, intending to turn, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, conscious of each moment of lifting my foot, balancing as like in Pilates, and placing it on the floor to ground my body. I am thankful for these experiences which I can scaffold upon with this new experience, like the balance I learned in Pilates that I can carry forward to the balance in walking mediation. And my experience of swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean helps me survive a cold shower every day.
In my second meditation today, a temple cat came to lie in my lap and later followed me back to my room. This was a simple pleasure for which I was grateful.
January 13th
During my two o'clock sitting meditation, there was an answer to my fear of death. I was in a hospital bed dying and in the background was a light of many luminous Buddhas lining a tunnel that appeared to go on forever. Again meditation came easier today, not counting the minutes to be finished, being more in the moment. I am still having difficulty meditating for thirty minutes. I wonder why since at home I can easily meditate for an hour. Maybe it is because this is constant meditation, one session after another, walking, sitting, walking sitting . . . .
I have stopped worrying about having no contact with the outside world and people trying to get in touch with me.
It has been difficult fasting after lunch. I do drink soy milk purchased at the temple store between the last two mediation sessions and eat a little fruit, one of the best things in Thailand, fresh papaya and pineapple, that I have discovered can be purchased from the motorcycle vendor that comes daily and parks behind the temple store. I also have missed and craved raw vegetables. Last night walking back from evening meditation around the pagoda, there was a huge basket of heads of raw cabbage outside the kitchen and I could not resist taking one. But after doing this theft, I looked up and saw a camera on the edge of the roof, hoping I had not been filmed and would be caught. I worried when the monk came to my meditation friend Rose and asked to talk to her. I broke my silence by asking her what he wanted and he spoke to her about not drinking coffee before breakfast outside the dining room telling her the rule that it could allowed to be taken into the dining room with her. I was relieved it was not about me taking cabbage for fear they may ask me to leave and cut my ten days short. I was getting used to this silent thing and really did not want to leave. I was half way through now and feeling the benefits of the experience.
January 14th
I have discovered to be grateful for simple pleasures. I moved the bed over from the corner to the middle of the room so that both sides are open and in view of the side windows and bathroom window. I'm on the second floor and a corner from with cross ventilation and a view of the top of the trees and roof tops the one floor dining and and kitchen rooms next door. Sometimes the smell of cooking remind me of bacon frying but no such luck. The quintessential Thai breakfast is served, Thai noodle soup with such things as squid and fish balls or whatever the cooks choice is that morning. Every time I eat a fish ball, I am reminded of the scene in the Vietnam movie with Robin Williams when he is served soup from a street vendor and he asks what the balls are made of in the soup and his Vietnamese friend answers that they are fish balls. Robin responds, "I did not know fish had balls".
My fellow meditators come from all over the world, most have never been to Thailand. I am grateful to fall back on all the knowledge from my four years of living here, knowledge of fish balls, mosquito coils, chin chuck lizards covering the walls and making their familiar to me "chin chuck" sounds, and a bit of the Thai language form my course in Thai in the eighties. I imagine I am here when I meditate in my temple in Ventura, now in this present moment, I am really here, enjoying the sounds and smells and culture of Thailand once again. As I write, I hear at least four different bird calls from up in the trees. For the first full three days we could only meditate in the library, now we are set free as like a bird and trusted to keep up our meditation practice on our own and trusted to choose where we want to meditate. I will begin again my second two hours of the day meditating out on the balcony outside my room. the first days we began alternating walking for fifteen minutes each, setting a kitchen timer to know when to switch from walking to sitting practice. We meet late in the afternoon personally with our teachers, alternating from the nun to monk to get instructions as to when to expand our times, how to walk and breathe and to get answers to questions we have. Now I am up to thirty minutes , always beginning with walking. I will begin again, it is 8:15.
January 15
It is between first and second two hour meditations. I am now in a consistent routine:
At four am, the temple bell rings starting with slow quiet rings, then loud quick ones for a few minutes. If the bell does not awaken you after your six hour sleep, the many dogs around the outside neighborhood chiming in will. It takes me about ten minutes to put on white clothing I have laid out the night before, wash my face, brush my teeth and make my bed. I have chosen the balcony down the hall from my room to meditate along with three others who have chosen this spot. A few times, I walk down the path to the pagoda to do my walking around it and have also visited what I call the Buddha garden, walking around the large Buddha in the middle of the tile laden garden coved with moss. The moss feels wonderful on my bare feet. I make my three bows and begin my walking mediation as usual. I eventually make it to the narrow side balcony, it is next a residence where a Thai nun lives, many times when I am walking on my balcony, she is walking beside me on hers. She has become a teacher for me in that I follow her cadence and stride. After my reporting to my teacher last night, I was instructed to expand my meditation times to 35 minutes, alternating walking with sitting as always. I end at 6:20 to give my self time to get coffee to take to breakfast. Again called by the temple bell, we follow after the monks who sit at the front of the dining room. We line up to be served our soup and take our places around sitting on the floor on a pad at one of the round tables. Followed by prayers, chanting and collaborative readings, we are told to begin eating. After completing our meals, we wash our own plates in bowls of soapy and plain water. I go to the small store to buy yogurt and soy milk for subsidence for later in the day since we only eat breakfast and lunch and fast for the rest of the day. And now it is this time for writing. It is now 8:05 and I need to begin my second two hour meditation in a few minutes so I am finish by the time the lunch bell rings at 10:30. After lunch, I go for a walk and begin my third two hour meditation at 12:15. Between third and fourth meditations, I take my cold shower and report to one of my teachers at 5:15 after my fourth meditation. Afterwards, I eat my meager supper and end my day with my fifth and last two hour meditation. Today Mom came to me in my early morning sitting meditation asking for forgiveness for not showing me the love she was unable to show because of her own unhappiness. She wished she had lived in a time when she could choose her desires of having more of a career instead of being a stay at home mom. I thank her for her sacrifice of braiding my hair and serving food that gave us the ability for our own quality of life and assured her this was her love shown to us in these ways and so much more. Like my nun teacher on the neighboring balcony who shows me how to walk meditatively in the present moment, you my dear mom have shown me how to walk in life. You were a superior model who shared her love and acceptance not only to her children but to the world, encouraging me and my sister Alice to be women with meaningful careers. I walk in your honor and know that you are walking beside me.
Saturday January 16, 7:30 AM
Monk Day
I placed 25 baht on the tree outside the dining room in gratitude for our monk. He has introduced us to our practice, the same monk I spoke to by phone before I arrived. I am pleased to discover that I should not try to correct what has been working for me in my sitting meditations at home. Struggling with different ways to be comfortable in sitting meditation and knowing that I could sit easily for up to an hour at home, why can I not here? I added lift to my sitting as I do at home with a towel and found my comfort once again, my morning meditation was without looking at the timer every 10 minutes wishing for the end because of my lack of comfort. There was more peace felt after this morning's early morning meditation and I look forward to my remaining sittings my last three days.
I know this meditation has been good for me toward letting go of the loves of my life. At times during meditation, each of these loves of my life have come into my mind. And the big message I find is to let go of these loves and be grateful for the memories that each of them have given me.
January 17 7:40 to 7:55
I can with certainty say I am ready to stay. I can see why the temple monk recommended 15 days. Just this morning on the ninth day, I was truly able to enjoy the moment of each step in walking meditation over the uneven and moss laden tiles of my favorite garden. Walking around the large Banyan tree, like the tree Buddha meditated underneath. The symbols of Buddha surround the tree to which we make our three salutations before beginning our meditation. I was able to be in the moment of each breath in my sitting meditation today, not projecting nor desiring the now very familiar sound of the timer beeps to signify the end of the 35 minutes requested time by my teacher. Clarity comes when one is in the moment. There is thought but not all of the time, sometimes it is thought that I project and other times when the mind is empty and the monkey is still, thoughts and people come to you with important messages. Today an orange clothed monk came to me and called me his sister and told me he would protect me from harm and suffering. Thoughts of Scottsdale Arizona where I did lots of counseling to try to save my marriage came to me today. My healing in this place gave me gratitude and a decision came to me to return there for a follow-up visit as part of my journey. A thought that I will return to this very temple every year for Vippassana and insightfulness came to me. Another thought came to me that I must protect myself from the advice of others who love me but know not what is truly the best for me. I must be the one to decide this. Following sitting meditation, I spoke the words confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, and power in my steps, words learned of importance in our lives from the nun's dharma talk this morning. Not surprising it is Sunday, seems like my revelations always happen on this the most holiest of days. We attended the dharma talk this morning given by one of our two teachers who we alternate reporting to daily with the exception of yesterday which was Buddha day. Instead of reporting to one of our teachers, we all attended a celebration last night. Pra Ajahn Suphon, one of our teachers, gave a long talk in Thai about Buddha day and then we were requested to hold a candle, incense and orchids as we walked around the pagoda three times, followed by placing our candles, incense, and flowers on the altar of the pagoda. Afterwards, we return to the ornate temple where our teacher led the monks and and meditators in a 30 minute meditation. It was powerful and spiritual to participate in this group meditation with the monks. And oh yes of great importance was a meal I have been waiting for all week, my favorite noodle soup was served this morning, bom mee. It is a soup I eat regularly from the vendors on the street in Thailand. I have found no restaurant in the states that can duplicate this unique taste. I went back for seconds for the first time for breakfast.
January 17 12 o'clock
"Come with me".
A figure in a flowing robe came from above to me standing on the ground. My eyes were closed as usual but I could see him standing in front of me through the right part of my brain.
"I cannot, it is not my time to go with you", I answered during this brief encounter during my second sitting today. As I meditatively walk following this sitting, tears welled up in my eyes realizing the magnitude of this encounter and grateful to have been given this knowledge, an answer to my fear of death. I now will return to my Buddha garden for another two hour period.
January 18
My second favorite soup was served this morning, lad na not as much of a craving because this dish is replicated well in restaurants in the states, but of course more authentic here.
I shared my vision of the figure asking me to come with him during my reporting with my nun teacher yesterday. She took it with no surprise and laughed saying,
"Yes, you have more to do here".
I ask myself, "What do I have to do"?
I know that time will tell and I will be a better listener because of the grounding that I have experienced here. To my mind came the words from the nun in her dharma talk,
"Confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, power.
I must remember these words to listen for what I have left to do in this life.
In my morning meditation, the monkey was finally still enough to have insights given to me. Past experiences came to me of the strong desire to be accepted and loved by others. I would allow myself to be controlled by others to reach this goal. It is time to change this goal and accept that all I need is the love for self.
Between breakfast and lunch, I had two very peaceful meditations, one sitting on my bed and the other walking around the pagoda. Walking around the pagoda, there was a very balanced feeling and a strong feeling of the stability of the ground beneath my feet.
January 19
I completed my closing ceremony this morning. My group of ten will have theirs later today because my friend Chris will be picking me up at 4 o'clock. I was given permission to do my closing this morning with a Thai group of two others. I was told to go to the meditation where the Thais do their morning meditation retreat. After walking and sitting meditation with them, all but three of us from a group of thirty stayed behind. The monk asked why I was there and I told him I was given permission to come by teacher, Pra Supan Ajahn Suphan. He directed me to sit and he facilitated a ceremony of repeating Pani readings for homage to the triple gem, going to three refuge, the five precepts, all stated in our book received on our first day. At the end of the ceremony, a few tears came, realizing this the end of the ten days and feeling a great pride in my self for succeeding in fulfilling this journey. Making it through the first few days is at the top of my list of the most difficult challenges in my life. I can see this is why people leave. Except for one fellow student in my class getting sick and leaving, all others made it through to the end but I do know from some sharing with others that they were not truthful with what was requested by the teachers to complete the required meditation hours. I am proud to know that I meditated the requested times. During my last meditation in the Buddha garden as has happened many times when no thoughts are initiated by me and I am free of thought so that messages can come from where I am not sure I just know I did not create them.
My last very significant message and the most clearest of messages:
"It is time to go home". I translated this as meaning:
"HOME TO MY SELF"
March 2016
I am pleased that with the exception of a few days of too many things on my to do list, I have reserved time to meditate daily. I did wonder during my ten days if I would continue this practice. While in the temple, my thoughts would sometimes wonder about future places to meditate and come up with plans to meditate on my front balcony, at the beach either on the sand or the board walk, on Clara and Bill's back deck, and on the top of the roof at my Florida apartment building overlooking the lake. The first day after the end of my ten days, I awoke in Galare Guest House in Chiang Mai, lit candles and put my two small Buddhas purchased in the temple shop on the dresser, began with my three slow bows, walked out on the balcony wearing my Dad's white pajamas and did my forty minute walking mediation followed by my forty minute sitting meditation. I surprised the employee coming up the steps in the dark to turn off the porch lights, from his reaction stopping in his tracks, I think he thought I was a ghost. Returning to Bangkok for two weeks, my place was walking around the pool, I loved walking on the flat tile edge surrounding the pool and feeling the water running under my feet into the drain. It reminded of my walking meditation times in my favorite place I named the Buddha Garden and feeling the moss under my feet growing on the hundred plus years uneven tiles. And today I found a new place as I walked down an outside passage way at LAX airport before my flight. I just completed meditating on the plane but have found leaning against something as the plane seat, it is too easy to fall asleep especially after waking at three this morning to get from Ventura to LA to catch this early flight.
May 2016
I now have quite a list of places I have meditated since leaving the temple. As I write these words, I look over my meditation spot from this morning, my Grandfather's fishing pond. I have come here to spend time in this historical place of my upbringing. This morning I was so pleased with a vision and conversation with my grandfather during my meditation. He came to me to remind me of his strong love for the pond. The pond was our tool of communication and sharing of love with him. I was sitting meditating close to the spot of the most vivid memory of Granddaddy. It was the day he helped me catch a large fish, he was as happy as I was when we pulled it out of the water and he told me it was the biggest fish any of his grandchildren had caught. Speaking to my siblings and cousins later in life, they tell me they remember similar experiences of catching the largest fish. Whether it was truth or not, he gave me pride and confidence, thank you for this Granddaddy. And this morning during my sitting meditation on the edge of your pond, your figure floated into the right side of my mind as did the figure that asked me to come with him in the Buddha garden. You shared with me your love for the pond and the memory of us all, my siblings and cousins, riding in the back of your red truck to get to the pond. You shared your love and support of us and your desire to be with us and you shared your love of your beautiful pond with us. In my meditation, you told me this is where you wished to spend all of your time, is fishing the most meditative place with nature and teaching the patience of waiting for the feel of that desired nibble on the hook? Maybe it is you who has given me this genetic makeup to meditate regularly. I come inside and ask my aunt if it was true that Granddaddy wanted to spend all his time here. She told me there was one year he bragged about fishing every day and Grandmother would join him some to read a book at the cabin. Now the cabin is much larger and a home for my uncle and aunt. You have gifted this love for this special place for all of us. And now as you fished every day, I meditate every day.
My list of places include the balcony of my apartment in Ventura, the beach in Ventura, the boardwalk in Ventura, the sidewalk at the LAX airport, the balcony overlooking the woods at Clara and Bill's home, Liz's balcony outside her bedroom, the creek behind my school, the lake in front of my Dad's house in Lakeland, the rooftop of my apartment building in Lakeland, the lake in front of my apartment, the chair facing the lake in my apartment, the upstairs room looking over the marsh at my sister's beach house, the crow's nest on top of her house and the side balcony at my sister's house in Holden Beach, and now my grandfather's fishing pond.
I'm always seeking out new places and new people as like these places, as like a gypsy.
July 2016
Several months have passed since I have written this list of the places I have meditated and more places have been added to the list. Living in Florida part-time, I regularly meditate on the steps leading down to Lake Mirror in front of my apartment building, on the rooftop is nice if it's not too hot, and beside my apartment, there is a garden with tiles that reminds me of walking on the mossy tiles in the Buddha garden in Thailand. I have taken a few road trips both to the Florida East Coast and West Coast and love walking meditation in shallow water at the beaches. Another spot at my apartment is walking around the pool and just today it was so hot I decided to swim before my sitting meditation, what a pleasure it was to discover walking meditation in the pool, and holding on to the side of the pool, I was able to do it with my eyes closed, it felt like flying. I have discovered more pleasure in the walking meditation after doing it so regularly. It is difficult to explain the sensation in words received by walking so meticulously and slowly. One explanation I have arrived at is that it is like falling into one's self.
These are my notes I wrote daily during my 10 day Vipassana at Wat Ram Poeng in Chiang Mai, Thailand:
October 2016
January 9th
The beginning of my first Vipassana. I feel sure I can make it through these ten days with peace, rest, and gratitude for this gift. Not coincidentally that it is children's day today, planes were flying in formation to celebrate the day as my friend Kris drove me into the temple. I also overheard the sound of the air show planes overhead as we ate our lunch in silence with the monks. On this first day, it has been what I expected. It has brought back memories of my Buddhism classes in the eighties with Roger, a colleague teaching with me at the International School Bangkok. He was one in those days who chose to be a Buddhist monk for a year and he shared in his Buddhist classes his experience in the temple. I was envious of men at that time in the eighties who could experience the temples, foreign women were not allowed to do so and it is always something I have wished to experience. Now it is my time.
January 11th
After two full ten and a half hour days of meditation, I am not sure of any thoughts that last. These two days have been extremely difficult. Mostly as I walk and sit in mediation, my thoughts are wishing the time would pass faster. We meet with two teachers a nun and monk, alternatively late in the afternoon. We sit and wait our turn with several of our co meditators. We go up in front of them after bowing three times to the Buddha next to them and three times to the teacher as respect to Buddha and the teacher. The male teacher, Prah Ajahn Suphan, asked me what I was thinking while meditating. I told him I don't think much and some times I am thinking about thinking, meta cognition. I told him people come to me in my mind but no one recognizable. The monk laughed and responded, "day dreams."
January 12th
My morning meditation was the best thus far. I have read on the internet that others experience that the first three days are the most difficult. I finally relaxed into the moment, there became no more thoughts of wishing the time would move faster. My walking became more slow. I concentrated my awareness on each small moment. When I got to each wall in walking mediation, I would consciously say in my brain, stopping, stopping, stopping, intending to turn, intending to turn, intending to turn, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, conscious of each moment of lifting my foot, balancing as like in Pilates, and placing it on the floor to ground my body. I am thankful for these experiences which I can scaffold upon with this new experience, like the balance I learned in Pilates that I can carry forward to the balance in walking mediation. And my experience of swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean helps me survive a cold shower every day.
In my second meditation today, a temple cat came to lie in my lap and later followed me back to my room. This was a simple pleasure for which I was grateful.
January 13th
During my two o'clock sitting meditation, there was an answer to my fear of death. I was in a hospital bed dying and in the background was a light of many luminous Buddhas lining a tunnel that appeared to go on forever. Again meditation came easier today, not counting the minutes to be finished, being more in the moment. I am still having difficulty meditating for thirty minutes. I wonder why since at home I can easily meditate for an hour. Maybe it is because this is constant meditation, one session after another, walking, sitting, walking sitting . . . .
I have stopped worrying about having no contact with the outside world and people trying to get in touch with me.
It has been difficult fasting after lunch. I do drink soy milk purchased at the temple store between the last two mediation sessions and eat a little fruit, one of the best things in Thailand, fresh papaya and pineapple, that I have discovered can be purchased from the motorcycle vendor that comes daily and parks behind the temple store. I also have missed and craved raw vegetables. Last night walking back from evening meditation around the pagoda, there was a huge basket of heads of raw cabbage outside the kitchen and I could not resist taking one. But after doing this theft, I looked up and saw a camera on the edge of the roof, hoping I had not been filmed and would be caught. I worried when the monk came to my meditation friend Rose and asked to talk to her. I broke my silence by asking her what he wanted and he spoke to her about not drinking coffee before breakfast outside the dining room telling her the rule that it could allowed to be taken into the dining room with her. I was relieved it was not about me taking cabbage for fear they may ask me to leave and cut my ten days short. I was getting used to this silent thing and really did not want to leave. I was half way through now and feeling the benefits of the experience.
January 14th
I have discovered to be grateful for simple pleasures. I moved the bed over from the corner to the middle of the room so that both sides are open and in view of the side windows and bathroom window. I'm on the second floor and a corner from with cross ventilation and a view of the top of the trees and roof tops the one floor dining and and kitchen rooms next door. Sometimes the smell of cooking remind me of bacon frying but no such luck. The quintessential Thai breakfast is served, Thai noodle soup with such things as squid and fish balls or whatever the cooks choice is that morning. Every time I eat a fish ball, I am reminded of the scene in the Vietnam movie with Robin Williams when he is served soup from a street vendor and he asks what the balls are made of in the soup and his Vietnamese friend answers that they are fish balls. Robin responds, "I did not know fish had balls".
My fellow meditators come from all over the world, most have never been to Thailand. I am grateful to fall back on all the knowledge from my four years of living here, knowledge of fish balls, mosquito coils, chin chuck lizards covering the walls and making their familiar to me "chin chuck" sounds, and a bit of the Thai language form my course in Thai in the eighties. I imagine I am here when I meditate in my temple in Ventura, now in this present moment, I am really here, enjoying the sounds and smells and culture of Thailand once again. As I write, I hear at least four different bird calls from up in the trees. For the first full three days we could only meditate in the library, now we are set free as like a bird and trusted to keep up our meditation practice on our own and trusted to choose where we want to meditate. I will begin again my second two hours of the day meditating out on the balcony outside my room. the first days we began alternating walking for fifteen minutes each, setting a kitchen timer to know when to switch from walking to sitting practice. We meet late in the afternoon personally with our teachers, alternating from the nun to monk to get instructions as to when to expand our times, how to walk and breathe and to get answers to questions we have. Now I am up to thirty minutes , always beginning with walking. I will begin again, it is 8:15.
January 15
It is between first and second two hour meditations. I am now in a consistent routine:
At four am, the temple bell rings starting with slow quiet rings, then loud quick ones for a few minutes. If the bell does not awaken you after your six hour sleep, the many dogs around the outside neighborhood chiming in will. It takes me about ten minutes to put on white clothing I have laid out the night before, wash my face, brush my teeth and make my bed. I have chosen the balcony down the hall from my room to meditate along with three others who have chosen this spot. A few times, I walk down the path to the pagoda to do my walking around it and have also visited what I call the Buddha garden, walking around the large Buddha in the middle of the tile laden garden coved with moss. The moss feels wonderful on my bare feet. I make my three bows and begin my walking mediation as usual. I eventually make it to the narrow side balcony, it is next a residence where a Thai nun lives, many times when I am walking on my balcony, she is walking beside me on hers. She has become a teacher for me in that I follow her cadence and stride. After my reporting to my teacher last night, I was instructed to expand my meditation times to 35 minutes, alternating walking with sitting as always. I end at 6:20 to give my self time to get coffee to take to breakfast. Again called by the temple bell, we follow after the monks who sit at the front of the dining room. We line up to be served our soup and take our places around sitting on the floor on a pad at one of the round tables. Followed by prayers, chanting and collaborative readings, we are told to begin eating. After completing our meals, we wash our own plates in bowls of soapy and plain water. I go to the small store to buy yogurt and soy milk for subsidence for later in the day since we only eat breakfast and lunch and fast for the rest of the day. And now it is this time for writing. It is now 8:05 and I need to begin my second two hour meditation in a few minutes so I am finish by the time the lunch bell rings at 10:30. After lunch, I go for a walk and begin my third two hour meditation at 12:15. Between third and fourth meditations, I take my cold shower and report to one of my teachers at 5:15 after my fourth meditation. Afterwards, I eat my meager supper and end my day with my fifth and last two hour meditation. Today Mom came to me in my early morning sitting meditation asking for forgiveness for not showing me the love she was unable to show because of her own unhappiness. She wished she had lived in a time when she could choose her desires of having more of a career instead of being a stay at home mom. I thank her for her sacrifice of braiding my hair and serving food that gave us the ability for our own quality of life and assured her this was her love shown to us in these ways and so much more. Like my nun teacher on the neighboring balcony who shows me how to walk meditatively in the present moment, you my dear mom have shown me how to walk in life. You were a superior model who shared her love and acceptance not only to her children but to the world, encouraging me and my sister Alice to be women with meaningful careers. I walk in your honor and know that you are walking beside me.
Saturday January 16, 7:30 AM
Monk Day
I placed 25 baht on the tree outside the dining room in gratitude for our monk. He has introduced us to our practice, the same monk I spoke to by phone before I arrived. I am pleased to discover that I should not try to correct what has been working for me in my sitting meditations at home. Struggling with different ways to be comfortable in sitting meditation and knowing that I could sit easily for up to an hour at home, why can I not here? I added lift to my sitting as I do at home with a towel and found my comfort once again, my morning meditation was without looking at the timer every 10 minutes wishing for the end because of my lack of comfort. There was more peace felt after this morning's early morning meditation and I look forward to my remaining sittings my last three days.
I know this meditation has been good for me toward letting go of the loves of my life. At times during meditation, each of these loves of my life have come into my mind. And the big message I find is to let go of these loves and be grateful for the memories that each of them have given me.
January 17 7:40 to 7:55
I can with certainty say I am ready to stay. I can see why the temple monk recommended 15 days. Just this morning on the ninth day, I was truly able to enjoy the moment of each step in walking meditation over the uneven and moss laden tiles of my favorite garden. Walking around the large Banyan tree, like the tree Buddha meditated underneath. The symbols of Buddha surround the tree to which we make our three salutations before beginning our meditation. I was able to be in the moment of each breath in my sitting meditation today, not projecting nor desiring the now very familiar sound of the timer beeps to signify the end of the 35 minutes requested time by my teacher. Clarity comes when one is in the moment. There is thought but not all of the time, sometimes it is thought that I project and other times when the mind is empty and the monkey is still, thoughts and people come to you with important messages. Today an orange clothed monk came to me and called me his sister and told me he would protect me from harm and suffering. Thoughts of Scottsdale Arizona where I did lots of counseling to try to save my marriage came to me today. My healing in this place gave me gratitude and a decision came to me to return there for a follow-up visit as part of my journey. A thought that I will return to this very temple every year for Vippassana and insightfulness came to me. Another thought came to me that I must protect myself from the advice of others who love me but know not what is truly the best for me. I must be the one to decide this. Following sitting meditation, I spoke the words confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, and power in my steps, words learned of importance in our lives from the nun's dharma talk this morning. Not surprising it is Sunday, seems like my revelations always happen on this the most holiest of days. We attended the dharma talk this morning given by one of our two teachers who we alternate reporting to daily with the exception of yesterday which was Buddha day. Instead of reporting to one of our teachers, we all attended a celebration last night. Pra Ajahn Suphon, one of our teachers, gave a long talk in Thai about Buddha day and then we were requested to hold a candle, incense and orchids as we walked around the pagoda three times, followed by placing our candles, incense, and flowers on the altar of the pagoda. Afterwards, we return to the ornate temple where our teacher led the monks and and meditators in a 30 minute meditation. It was powerful and spiritual to participate in this group meditation with the monks. And oh yes of great importance was a meal I have been waiting for all week, my favorite noodle soup was served this morning, bom mee. It is a soup I eat regularly from the vendors on the street in Thailand. I have found no restaurant in the states that can duplicate this unique taste. I went back for seconds for the first time for breakfast.
January 17 12 o'clock
"Come with me".
A figure in a flowing robe came from above to me standing on the ground. My eyes were closed as usual but I could see him standing in front of me through the right part of my brain.
"I cannot, it is not my time to go with you", I answered during this brief encounter during my second sitting today. As I meditatively walk following this sitting, tears welled up in my eyes realizing the magnitude of this encounter and grateful to have been given this knowledge, an answer to my fear of death. I now will return to my Buddha garden for another two hour period.
January 18
My second favorite soup was served this morning, lad na not as much of a craving because this dish is replicated well in restaurants in the states, but of course more authentic here.
I shared my vision of the figure asking me to come with him during my reporting with my nun teacher yesterday. She took it with no surprise and laughed saying,
"Yes, you have more to do here".
I ask myself, "What do I have to do"?
I know that time will tell and I will be a better listener because of the grounding that I have experienced here. To my mind came the words from the nun in her dharma talk,
"Confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, power.
I must remember these words to listen for what I have left to do in this life.
In my morning meditation, the monkey was finally still enough to have insights given to me. Past experiences came to me of the strong desire to be accepted and loved by others. I would allow myself to be controlled by others to reach this goal. It is time to change this goal and accept that all I need is the love for self.
Between breakfast and lunch, I had two very peaceful meditations, one sitting on my bed and the other walking around the pagoda. Walking around the pagoda, there was a very balanced feeling and a strong feeling of the stability of the ground beneath my feet.
January 19
I completed my closing ceremony this morning. My group of ten will have theirs later today because my friend Chris will be picking me up at 4 o'clock. I was given permission to do my closing this morning with a Thai group of two others. I was told to go to the meditation where the Thais do their morning meditation retreat. After walking and sitting meditation with them, all but three of us from a group of thirty stayed behind. The monk asked why I was there and I told him I was given permission to come by teacher, Pra Supan Ajahn Suphan. He directed me to sit and he facilitated a ceremony of repeating Pani readings for homage to the triple gem, going to three refuge, the five precepts, all stated in our book received on our first day. At the end of the ceremony, a few tears came, realizing this the end of the ten days and feeling a great pride in my self for succeeding in fulfilling this journey. Making it through the first few days is at the top of my list of the most difficult challenges in my life. I can see this is why people leave. Except for one fellow student in my class getting sick and leaving, all others made it through to the end but I do know from some sharing with others that they were not truthful with what was requested by the teachers to complete the required meditation hours. I am proud to know that I meditated the requested times. During my last meditation in the Buddha garden as has happened many times when no thoughts are initiated by me and I am free of thought so that messages can come from where I am not sure I just know I did not create them.
My last very significant message and the most clearest of messages:
"It is time to go home". I translated this as meaning:
"HOME TO MY SELF"
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Setting Goals for Spring Hollow Gallery
Sunday Morning, August 9, 2015
Dear world,
Nothing has been written on here for a long time so I thought I would begin again. My last blog was exactly a year ago. So I begin again with a commitment to write regularly, not worrying about what other people will think but rather having free expression of my thoughts. I try to wake up every morning and sit with my coffee looking over the great Pacific Ocean and begin again by writing a few words or many.
I am so fortunate to live in California. Much has happened in this last year. I am alone again, alone in the sense that I am not just with one person. I'm not really alone, I have many loved ones around me.
Although that is one change in my life, the biggest change in my life is opening an art gallery, Spring Hollow Gallery. I like to say that I brought a piece of Spring Hollow to California. What is it about me that I have to open new spaces, I suppose it is a desire to create something totally independent, without the demands and expectations from other people.
And maybe that is why I'm alone again to fulfill what I feel is my purpose in life. I do want a companion but I want no one in my life to take away my independence. I am reminded of the teacher phrase "effective use of time" and I have no time for people who are going to slow down this journey of fulfilling my purpose.
My goal for the gallery is to truly be an extension of the Spring Hollow Approach. It is exactly that, encouraging the independence of free expression, as like the goal I am reaching for in my own self. I wish to encourage the heart and soul of the individual and bring out the artist in each of us. As like the definition of education derived from the word "educe" meaning 'to pull out instead of to pour in." We have each had too much "pouring in" in our lives from others. If you are a child of three or one of 63, it is an important goal.
Monday morning, August 10, 2015
I am pondering this morning about how to make this gallery last forever. Speaking to others and sharing my thoughts and visions help. To me this blog is just that, knowing that others are reading it so respond to this piece if you wish to give me some of your wise feedback. I was sharing with a friend last night and realized in some ways I think of the gallery as a charity, a charity to give of my time to support the arts, the love for the arts, to pull out this ability to be freely creative in all of us. I am using my tools and my background of constructivist education and the Spring Hollow Approach to do this.
I have not created the gallery to make money, so what are its purposes? It is good to force my self to write so I can be clear on my vision which is based on my overall goals for the rest of my life. It is hard to go there because of my first and primay goal of living in the present and trusting I will be led into the future, trusting I am on the right path as my chosen logo, "the innukshuk" symbolizes.
So maybe the best way may to make a list. Here goes:
Even though it is not there for profit, it would be good to break even so I do feel I am not throwing money away so that the gallery can live on as a charity.
To break even, there is a goal of making money through sales and art classes.
And like the "innukshuk" the gallery is supported by the collaboration from others. The logo artist and I are in collaboration to reproduce the logo to sell in a Canadian Innuksuk gallery, this may be one means to financially support the gallery.
Just a simple task of making a sign that we offer art classes and hang outside is a good one. Other ways of advertising in a cost effective way is good.
Letting others know that I am expressing and brainstorming ways on this blog so that they can enter into the conversation.
Okay, alreeady I have some first steps, let's see where this first step leads us and the gallery. This reminds me of my teachings through the inspiration of Carlina Rinaldi that we must take this small step to initiate as like a dance, take one step and have the others in collaboration take the step to scaffold into a bigger idea toward fulfilling our dreams. I purposely refer to this process as "dream catching" not "problem solving" because it fits more with the theory of the "power of positive thinking."
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I have already skipped two days of not writing so I have changed the words above to "try" not "will" write daily.
Listening to NPR the other day, there was a piece about our nationwide teacher shortage. California is one of the states high on the list with this problem to the point that we are advertising for "our" teachers through Craig's List. I stress the word "our" because teachers are "our" future, as children are "our" future and teachers can make or break as parents can the wellbeing of "our" children and therefore "our" future. What a telling symbolic representation of lowering the standard of teaching to advertise on Craig"s List. So considering this, I realize I do have tools in my experience to share "constructivist education" with teachers who are coming into our field who may be missing this effective approach to foster healthy children in their own teacher education programs or may be missing teacher edcuation all together. So it is time to make the first steps to contact schools to invite my self into the lives of these teachers. I have the perfect venue to do this in Spring Hollow Gallery. Does any one reading this have any connections for me in our local Ventura education systems? Please introduce them to me!
A few words have been written, I will "try" to write more tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 18
I am back on the wheel and it feels good. I feel like when you are centering a piece of clay, it helps to center your life, as all creating is a form of meditation. And having taken a break from group meditation the last two weeks, it felt so good to go to my temple last night and meditate. My life is more centered and content. And I am up to seven thrown bowls and counting. The gallery is closed on Monday and Tuesday and I have discovered that these two days are not as content and centered for me. But it is good to make my self take a break and stay away if not for the sole reason of realizing how much I love it. Don't know how much you love until it is gone.
I am working on bringing people into the gallery to work toward this goal of its survival. I have made several events on facebook and a few say they will be there. I have created a lunch meditation time on Wednesday at noon, a group named "Artists working side by side" where artists which is everyone of us are invited to come to the gallery and create their own works in company of fellow artists, and I put an early invite to remind everyone of our First Fridays. Although these events do not cost, I am inviting donations to collaborate in working toward the primary goal of paying gallery rent so it can survive.
Friday, September 5
We had five in our "Artists Working Side by Side" yesterday. One thing I noticd while we are working side by side, we come up with big and great ideas through our collaboration. It has to be the process of creating to get those dreams articulated so that they can become reality.
One idea I must put in writing so this old mind does not forget: the creation of a childrens book with illustrations from various artists who are represented at Spring Hollow. I must go through boxes and locate the manuscripts I wrote years ago when I took off a year from teaching to do so. I look forward this process becoming a reality. And again I ask for your input!
Sunday Morning, August 9, 2015
Dear world,
Nothing has been written on here for a long time so I thought I would begin again. My last blog was exactly a year ago. So I begin again with a commitment to write regularly, not worrying about what other people will think but rather having free expression of my thoughts. I try to wake up every morning and sit with my coffee looking over the great Pacific Ocean and begin again by writing a few words or many.
I am so fortunate to live in California. Much has happened in this last year. I am alone again, alone in the sense that I am not just with one person. I'm not really alone, I have many loved ones around me.
Although that is one change in my life, the biggest change in my life is opening an art gallery, Spring Hollow Gallery. I like to say that I brought a piece of Spring Hollow to California. What is it about me that I have to open new spaces, I suppose it is a desire to create something totally independent, without the demands and expectations from other people.
And maybe that is why I'm alone again to fulfill what I feel is my purpose in life. I do want a companion but I want no one in my life to take away my independence. I am reminded of the teacher phrase "effective use of time" and I have no time for people who are going to slow down this journey of fulfilling my purpose.
My goal for the gallery is to truly be an extension of the Spring Hollow Approach. It is exactly that, encouraging the independence of free expression, as like the goal I am reaching for in my own self. I wish to encourage the heart and soul of the individual and bring out the artist in each of us. As like the definition of education derived from the word "educe" meaning 'to pull out instead of to pour in." We have each had too much "pouring in" in our lives from others. If you are a child of three or one of 63, it is an important goal.
Monday morning, August 10, 2015
I am pondering this morning about how to make this gallery last forever. Speaking to others and sharing my thoughts and visions help. To me this blog is just that, knowing that others are reading it so respond to this piece if you wish to give me some of your wise feedback. I was sharing with a friend last night and realized in some ways I think of the gallery as a charity, a charity to give of my time to support the arts, the love for the arts, to pull out this ability to be freely creative in all of us. I am using my tools and my background of constructivist education and the Spring Hollow Approach to do this.
I have not created the gallery to make money, so what are its purposes? It is good to force my self to write so I can be clear on my vision which is based on my overall goals for the rest of my life. It is hard to go there because of my first and primay goal of living in the present and trusting I will be led into the future, trusting I am on the right path as my chosen logo, "the innukshuk" symbolizes.
So maybe the best way may to make a list. Here goes:
Even though it is not there for profit, it would be good to break even so I do feel I am not throwing money away so that the gallery can live on as a charity.
To break even, there is a goal of making money through sales and art classes.
And like the "innukshuk" the gallery is supported by the collaboration from others. The logo artist and I are in collaboration to reproduce the logo to sell in a Canadian Innuksuk gallery, this may be one means to financially support the gallery.
Just a simple task of making a sign that we offer art classes and hang outside is a good one. Other ways of advertising in a cost effective way is good.
Letting others know that I am expressing and brainstorming ways on this blog so that they can enter into the conversation.
Okay, alreeady I have some first steps, let's see where this first step leads us and the gallery. This reminds me of my teachings through the inspiration of Carlina Rinaldi that we must take this small step to initiate as like a dance, take one step and have the others in collaboration take the step to scaffold into a bigger idea toward fulfilling our dreams. I purposely refer to this process as "dream catching" not "problem solving" because it fits more with the theory of the "power of positive thinking."
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I have already skipped two days of not writing so I have changed the words above to "try" not "will" write daily.
Listening to NPR the other day, there was a piece about our nationwide teacher shortage. California is one of the states high on the list with this problem to the point that we are advertising for "our" teachers through Craig's List. I stress the word "our" because teachers are "our" future, as children are "our" future and teachers can make or break as parents can the wellbeing of "our" children and therefore "our" future. What a telling symbolic representation of lowering the standard of teaching to advertise on Craig"s List. So considering this, I realize I do have tools in my experience to share "constructivist education" with teachers who are coming into our field who may be missing this effective approach to foster healthy children in their own teacher education programs or may be missing teacher edcuation all together. So it is time to make the first steps to contact schools to invite my self into the lives of these teachers. I have the perfect venue to do this in Spring Hollow Gallery. Does any one reading this have any connections for me in our local Ventura education systems? Please introduce them to me!
A few words have been written, I will "try" to write more tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 18
I am back on the wheel and it feels good. I feel like when you are centering a piece of clay, it helps to center your life, as all creating is a form of meditation. And having taken a break from group meditation the last two weeks, it felt so good to go to my temple last night and meditate. My life is more centered and content. And I am up to seven thrown bowls and counting. The gallery is closed on Monday and Tuesday and I have discovered that these two days are not as content and centered for me. But it is good to make my self take a break and stay away if not for the sole reason of realizing how much I love it. Don't know how much you love until it is gone.
I am working on bringing people into the gallery to work toward this goal of its survival. I have made several events on facebook and a few say they will be there. I have created a lunch meditation time on Wednesday at noon, a group named "Artists working side by side" where artists which is everyone of us are invited to come to the gallery and create their own works in company of fellow artists, and I put an early invite to remind everyone of our First Fridays. Although these events do not cost, I am inviting donations to collaborate in working toward the primary goal of paying gallery rent so it can survive.
Friday, September 5
We had five in our "Artists Working Side by Side" yesterday. One thing I noticd while we are working side by side, we come up with big and great ideas through our collaboration. It has to be the process of creating to get those dreams articulated so that they can become reality.
One idea I must put in writing so this old mind does not forget: the creation of a childrens book with illustrations from various artists who are represented at Spring Hollow. I must go through boxes and locate the manuscripts I wrote years ago when I took off a year from teaching to do so. I look forward this process becoming a reality. And again I ask for your input!
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Global recognition of Spring Hollow:
Below is the article that just came out published in Bambi magazine in Thailand, a magazine for parents of young children. I was emailed before planning last year's trip to Thailand by Dina, the editor of Bambi. She discovered Spring Hollow from our website, www.springhollowschool.com and was requesting to interview me via email about our Reggio Emilia inspirations. I told her she could interview me during my month long visit to Thailand last November. We sat for three hours over coffee at a restaurant in Bangkok talking about Spring Hollow. Below is the excellent outcome of this interview by Dina:
Can Children Lead Their Own Learning?
38 • July - August 2014
In our on going educational series, we explore the Reggio Emilia educational approach and its image of a powerful child.
By Dina Kassymbekova
Photo credits: Spring Hollow Early Learning Center (there are photos of Spring Hollow throughout the article)
Child-centered has become a popular word in the world of education. Most schools and approaches claim to be “child-centered”. The term is used to state that students are respected and seen as individuals; sometimes it stands for active learning; and it is also used to express that teachers consider children’s interests, while shaping the curriculum. The Reggio Emilia approach takes the concept of child-centered learning one step further. Reggio schools don’t have a pre-planned curriculum. They develop it out of children’s individual interests. This innovative approach is based on the idea that children don’t need to be taught particular knowledge, instead, they need adults’ support to learn from their own play and exploration.
History and philosophy
It all started in Reggio Emilia, a town in the northern Italy, and its surroundings. After the end of World War II, a group of teachers and parents motivated to provide their children with a better future built a system of preschools, which offered children beautiful and nurturing environments and a non-traditional approach to learning. The inspiration came from Loris Malaguzzi, a young teacher, who supported the ideas that children learn best through active participation and that play is an important part of learning. Malaguzzi believed children possess great potential and resources.
Outdoor play area Mud kitchen (photo from Spring Hollow)
In Reggio Emilia schools students learn in context of long-term projects with the ideas for which they come up in collaboration with peers and teachers. In the same way they plan the projects and work on them. A teacher stays with the class for a period of three years to be able to learn to know the children and to build a relationship of trust.
In the late 1980s, the Reggio Emilia approach received international recognition and now there are Reggio inspired schools (mostly preschools for children up to 6 years of age) in different parts of the world.
Curriculum
The curriculum in Reggio schools emerges from children’s interests. Kate Ratliff, the founder of the Spring Hollow Early Learning Center in Franklin, Tennessee, United States uses the term scaffolding to explain this. Teachers recognize and respect the children’s own ideas and interests and build the learning around them, helping to bring the child’s knowledge to the next level. They support their students when needed but give them as much freedom as possible.
How does it work in practice? “There is more post-planning than pre- planning,” says Kate. While children play and explore, teachers observe them, take notes and pictures. During “collaboration meetings” teachers sit back and let children discuss. Peers talk and listen to each other and teachers document the process. In these discussions the ideas for projects are developed. Most of the projects last for several weeks. Different projects might go on simultaneously. The focus is not on the facts that are learned or results that are achieved but on the process of learning itself.
Examples of projects could be art installations; designing of houses, castles, bridges, cities etc.; making journals, calendars or charts; designing bags, toys and Christmas decorations. In Spring Hollow, children designed and built a playground for their pet guinea pig. Art is considered a natural way for children to express themselves. Children paint, work with clay, create 3-dimensional art out of natural and recycling materials, etc.
Teachers document children’s thoughts, ideas and work in journals, tapes, pictures and videos to make the learning visible and to allow the children to “revisit” their projects and reflect on them later.
Environment
A Reggio environment is beautiful. The original Reggio Emilia schools are located in natural surroundings and have a big outdoor space. Reggio classrooms are designed to encourage children to explore and communicate. Children can choose between different stations like dramatic area, dress up center, block area, trains, puzzles, science center, etc. One of the typical Reggio features is an art studio, an atelier. An atelier offers children a variety of materials to express themselves and the concepts they are learning through art. Reggio schools usually display their students’ work to allow the children to take pride in it and to show it to the parents.
Teacher’s role
“Observing, listening, documenting, and giving specific encouragement,” Kate lists teacher’s responsibilities, “understanding and validating the point of view of the child; being aware of your own nonconscious values that may keep you from accepting the true construction of learning from the child; knowing when to hold and fold.”
Parents’ involvement
In Reggio schools, parents are traditionally deeply involved in the school life. In Spring Hollow, parents volunteer to take care of animals, supply the school with resources and get involved in developing ideas for the curriculum and even teaching in the classrooms. Schools will organize education and workshops for parents.
Benefits for children
“Children learn to be true to themselves, not to what adults want them to be,” says Kate. She tells how a former student at Spring Hollow, who changed to a traditional school describes the differences:
“At my school now, we can only go down the slide; at Spring Hollow, we can go up the slide too. At my school now, we have to swing only on our bottoms. At Spring Hollow, we can swing all different ways. At my school now, we cannot hold hands. At Spring Hollow we can hold hands.”
Criticism
Critics say the Reggio approach is missing a structure, which is necessary to provide teachers with a framework to ensure classrooms do not become too chaotic. In some countries, preschools are expected to prepare children to school. Reggio education may not meet this demand.
Another point of criticism is the Reggio approach is not formalized. There is no accreditation system for schools and training requirements for teachers. As a result, it can be difficult to find out if a school truly follows the Reggio inspired schools.
Finally, there is the controversial question: Is it possible to transfer an educational approach which originated in a small Italian village and is deeply connected to its environment and community to other places in the world, which have different cultures.
Resources:
www.reggiochildrenfoundation. org The website of the non- profit foundation that aims to promote the values of the Reggio Emilia approach. Contains short information about the approach and Loris Malaguzzi.
http://reggioalliance.org/reggio- emilia/international-network/ lists organizations that represent Reggio approach in different countries.
http://www.springhollowschool.com The website of the Spring Hollow Early Learning Center in Franklin, Tennessee, US, a school inspired by Reggio Emilia education.
http://www.aneverydaystory.com An Australian mother inspired by Reggio approach blogs about homeschooling her two children.
Interviews on YouTube with Carla Rinaldi, pedagogical consultant to Reggio Children and professor at the University of Modena and Reggio in the faculty of Science and Early Education
www.bambiweb.org
Below is the article that just came out published in Bambi magazine in Thailand, a magazine for parents of young children. I was emailed before planning last year's trip to Thailand by Dina, the editor of Bambi. She discovered Spring Hollow from our website, www.springhollowschool.com and was requesting to interview me via email about our Reggio Emilia inspirations. I told her she could interview me during my month long visit to Thailand last November. We sat for three hours over coffee at a restaurant in Bangkok talking about Spring Hollow. Below is the excellent outcome of this interview by Dina:
Can Children Lead Their Own Learning?
38 • July - August 2014
In our on going educational series, we explore the Reggio Emilia educational approach and its image of a powerful child.
By Dina Kassymbekova
Photo credits: Spring Hollow Early Learning Center (there are photos of Spring Hollow throughout the article)
Child-centered has become a popular word in the world of education. Most schools and approaches claim to be “child-centered”. The term is used to state that students are respected and seen as individuals; sometimes it stands for active learning; and it is also used to express that teachers consider children’s interests, while shaping the curriculum. The Reggio Emilia approach takes the concept of child-centered learning one step further. Reggio schools don’t have a pre-planned curriculum. They develop it out of children’s individual interests. This innovative approach is based on the idea that children don’t need to be taught particular knowledge, instead, they need adults’ support to learn from their own play and exploration.
History and philosophy
It all started in Reggio Emilia, a town in the northern Italy, and its surroundings. After the end of World War II, a group of teachers and parents motivated to provide their children with a better future built a system of preschools, which offered children beautiful and nurturing environments and a non-traditional approach to learning. The inspiration came from Loris Malaguzzi, a young teacher, who supported the ideas that children learn best through active participation and that play is an important part of learning. Malaguzzi believed children possess great potential and resources.
Outdoor play area Mud kitchen (photo from Spring Hollow)
In Reggio Emilia schools students learn in context of long-term projects with the ideas for which they come up in collaboration with peers and teachers. In the same way they plan the projects and work on them. A teacher stays with the class for a period of three years to be able to learn to know the children and to build a relationship of trust.
In the late 1980s, the Reggio Emilia approach received international recognition and now there are Reggio inspired schools (mostly preschools for children up to 6 years of age) in different parts of the world.
Curriculum
The curriculum in Reggio schools emerges from children’s interests. Kate Ratliff, the founder of the Spring Hollow Early Learning Center in Franklin, Tennessee, United States uses the term scaffolding to explain this. Teachers recognize and respect the children’s own ideas and interests and build the learning around them, helping to bring the child’s knowledge to the next level. They support their students when needed but give them as much freedom as possible.
How does it work in practice? “There is more post-planning than pre- planning,” says Kate. While children play and explore, teachers observe them, take notes and pictures. During “collaboration meetings” teachers sit back and let children discuss. Peers talk and listen to each other and teachers document the process. In these discussions the ideas for projects are developed. Most of the projects last for several weeks. Different projects might go on simultaneously. The focus is not on the facts that are learned or results that are achieved but on the process of learning itself.
Examples of projects could be art installations; designing of houses, castles, bridges, cities etc.; making journals, calendars or charts; designing bags, toys and Christmas decorations. In Spring Hollow, children designed and built a playground for their pet guinea pig. Art is considered a natural way for children to express themselves. Children paint, work with clay, create 3-dimensional art out of natural and recycling materials, etc.
Teachers document children’s thoughts, ideas and work in journals, tapes, pictures and videos to make the learning visible and to allow the children to “revisit” their projects and reflect on them later.
Environment
A Reggio environment is beautiful. The original Reggio Emilia schools are located in natural surroundings and have a big outdoor space. Reggio classrooms are designed to encourage children to explore and communicate. Children can choose between different stations like dramatic area, dress up center, block area, trains, puzzles, science center, etc. One of the typical Reggio features is an art studio, an atelier. An atelier offers children a variety of materials to express themselves and the concepts they are learning through art. Reggio schools usually display their students’ work to allow the children to take pride in it and to show it to the parents.
Teacher’s role
“Observing, listening, documenting, and giving specific encouragement,” Kate lists teacher’s responsibilities, “understanding and validating the point of view of the child; being aware of your own nonconscious values that may keep you from accepting the true construction of learning from the child; knowing when to hold and fold.”
Parents’ involvement
In Reggio schools, parents are traditionally deeply involved in the school life. In Spring Hollow, parents volunteer to take care of animals, supply the school with resources and get involved in developing ideas for the curriculum and even teaching in the classrooms. Schools will organize education and workshops for parents.
Benefits for children
“Children learn to be true to themselves, not to what adults want them to be,” says Kate. She tells how a former student at Spring Hollow, who changed to a traditional school describes the differences:
“At my school now, we can only go down the slide; at Spring Hollow, we can go up the slide too. At my school now, we have to swing only on our bottoms. At Spring Hollow, we can swing all different ways. At my school now, we cannot hold hands. At Spring Hollow we can hold hands.”
Criticism
Critics say the Reggio approach is missing a structure, which is necessary to provide teachers with a framework to ensure classrooms do not become too chaotic. In some countries, preschools are expected to prepare children to school. Reggio education may not meet this demand.
Another point of criticism is the Reggio approach is not formalized. There is no accreditation system for schools and training requirements for teachers. As a result, it can be difficult to find out if a school truly follows the Reggio inspired schools.
Finally, there is the controversial question: Is it possible to transfer an educational approach which originated in a small Italian village and is deeply connected to its environment and community to other places in the world, which have different cultures.
Resources:
www.reggiochildrenfoundation. org The website of the non- profit foundation that aims to promote the values of the Reggio Emilia approach. Contains short information about the approach and Loris Malaguzzi.
http://reggioalliance.org/reggio- emilia/international-network/ lists organizations that represent Reggio approach in different countries.
http://www.springhollowschool.com The website of the Spring Hollow Early Learning Center in Franklin, Tennessee, US, a school inspired by Reggio Emilia education.
http://www.aneverydaystory.com An Australian mother inspired by Reggio approach blogs about homeschooling her two children.
Interviews on YouTube with Carla Rinaldi, pedagogical consultant to Reggio Children and professor at the University of Modena and Reggio in the faculty of Science and Early Education
www.bambiweb.org
Monday, December 9, 2013
Writing in Bangkok
Sitting on the balcony overlooking the variety of palm trees and listening to the birds who inhabit them, I think of the comfortable place these sounds and smells place me. There is the sound of the broom sweeping across the pavement on the grounds below. These sounds and smells take me back to my childhood growing up in Pakistan during very formative years of my live, 12 to 15 years old. I think too it is significant that when my family resided in Pakistan, we stayed there for the entire three years without returning to the U.S. This extended time with no breaks must have influenced who I am today.
Sitting on this balcony in Bangkok takes me back to my childhood in Pakistan. My childhood in Pakistan is why I was drawn to living in Bangkok in the early eighties. It was the connections from Pakistan that fulfilled my desire to get a teaching job at the international school, parents of my friend who I used to sit on the rooftops with in Lahore, sharing our future dreams, our ideals and ideas. When I was searching overseas sites for a teaching job, my childhood friend's parents were living in Bangkok at the time and convinced the international school I would be an asset to them as a Kindergarten teacher.
I am convinced that those years in Pakistan were the happiest years of my childhood. It must have been where I felt safety, pleasure, and comfort. Just as we refer to eating certain food as "comfort food." These tastes connect us to fond memories, usually going back to our childhood.
Are not these "comfort moments" in our present life scaffolded upon happy moments from our childhood? And are these "nothing without joy" moments based on our feelings of love and acceptance from others in our lives, our family and friends? It affirms why my career has been based on an education philosophy holding front and center, the value of love shown by our reciprocity with others. In these formative childhood years in Pakistan, there was more time to truly and deeply communicate with each other. In those days back in the sixties, there was not much technology obtrusion in the states, and definitely none in Pakistan, not even television. So our entertainment was with each other between family and friends. It must have been the place where my family was happiest.
In my first time returning to Bangkok last year after twenty eight years, I wrote that I felt this energy of familiarity and comfort here as soon as I got outside the airport waiting for my taxi. I also felt that there was a presence with me even though I was alone. Maybe this was my mother who passed on to her eternal life over a decade ago. I know she is with me in spirit and I feel her more in these moments sitting on this balcony overlooking the familiarity of Asia that arouses all my senses and feelings of peace. Was Pakistan the happiest time for you, Mom? I will ask my Dad but I think my mom is saying
"Yes."
Sitting on this balcony with the long distance view of Bangkok brings back these "nothing without joy" moments of sitting on the rooftops in Pakistan. It must be why I prefer a home with a long distance view like in California, where I can see the waves of the ocean a half mile away from our fourth floor apartment on the side of the hill.
My trips to Bangkok are a place I can be without obtrusions, bombarded by the every day decisions of life. I make this vow to my self to take this feeling where ever I go. Speaking to a friend in California today, she expressed her crazy busy life, and when I gave her my expression of the value of slowing down and breathing, she responded, yes, I know these things but I forget. I don't want to forget.
Sitting with this long distance view of the tropics here in Bangkok or of the waves in Ventura, I will pause and "not forget" to "slow down" and enjoy this present moment.
It is this same place where we can truly "be" with children. They give us this time and reminder to "slow down" and enjoy the moment, they do it so well and being in their presence reminds of this so we don't "forget" to do it in our own lives.
Now I will go to a place where I will be bombarded by obtrusion but joy filled ones, the eb and flow of life. It is like the waves that come and go. I think I will go explore Bangkok's China Town, and see what treasures I can find to create my art, it is this place of creating that puts us into our soul and heart.
And when we are in our "inner soul" a word another dear friend expressed to me in our recent reciprocity of conversation, we are our happiest. It is where I am now, where I am when I create and where my mother must have been living in Pakistan.
Sitting on the balcony overlooking the variety of palm trees and listening to the birds who inhabit them, I think of the comfortable place these sounds and smells place me. There is the sound of the broom sweeping across the pavement on the grounds below. These sounds and smells take me back to my childhood growing up in Pakistan during very formative years of my live, 12 to 15 years old. I think too it is significant that when my family resided in Pakistan, we stayed there for the entire three years without returning to the U.S. This extended time with no breaks must have influenced who I am today.
Sitting on this balcony in Bangkok takes me back to my childhood in Pakistan. My childhood in Pakistan is why I was drawn to living in Bangkok in the early eighties. It was the connections from Pakistan that fulfilled my desire to get a teaching job at the international school, parents of my friend who I used to sit on the rooftops with in Lahore, sharing our future dreams, our ideals and ideas. When I was searching overseas sites for a teaching job, my childhood friend's parents were living in Bangkok at the time and convinced the international school I would be an asset to them as a Kindergarten teacher.
I am convinced that those years in Pakistan were the happiest years of my childhood. It must have been where I felt safety, pleasure, and comfort. Just as we refer to eating certain food as "comfort food." These tastes connect us to fond memories, usually going back to our childhood.
Are not these "comfort moments" in our present life scaffolded upon happy moments from our childhood? And are these "nothing without joy" moments based on our feelings of love and acceptance from others in our lives, our family and friends? It affirms why my career has been based on an education philosophy holding front and center, the value of love shown by our reciprocity with others. In these formative childhood years in Pakistan, there was more time to truly and deeply communicate with each other. In those days back in the sixties, there was not much technology obtrusion in the states, and definitely none in Pakistan, not even television. So our entertainment was with each other between family and friends. It must have been the place where my family was happiest.
In my first time returning to Bangkok last year after twenty eight years, I wrote that I felt this energy of familiarity and comfort here as soon as I got outside the airport waiting for my taxi. I also felt that there was a presence with me even though I was alone. Maybe this was my mother who passed on to her eternal life over a decade ago. I know she is with me in spirit and I feel her more in these moments sitting on this balcony overlooking the familiarity of Asia that arouses all my senses and feelings of peace. Was Pakistan the happiest time for you, Mom? I will ask my Dad but I think my mom is saying
"Yes."
Sitting on this balcony with the long distance view of Bangkok brings back these "nothing without joy" moments of sitting on the rooftops in Pakistan. It must be why I prefer a home with a long distance view like in California, where I can see the waves of the ocean a half mile away from our fourth floor apartment on the side of the hill.
My trips to Bangkok are a place I can be without obtrusions, bombarded by the every day decisions of life. I make this vow to my self to take this feeling where ever I go. Speaking to a friend in California today, she expressed her crazy busy life, and when I gave her my expression of the value of slowing down and breathing, she responded, yes, I know these things but I forget. I don't want to forget.
Sitting with this long distance view of the tropics here in Bangkok or of the waves in Ventura, I will pause and "not forget" to "slow down" and enjoy this present moment.
It is this same place where we can truly "be" with children. They give us this time and reminder to "slow down" and enjoy the moment, they do it so well and being in their presence reminds of this so we don't "forget" to do it in our own lives.
Now I will go to a place where I will be bombarded by obtrusion but joy filled ones, the eb and flow of life. It is like the waves that come and go. I think I will go explore Bangkok's China Town, and see what treasures I can find to create my art, it is this place of creating that puts us into our soul and heart.
And when we are in our "inner soul" a word another dear friend expressed to me in our recent reciprocity of conversation, we are our happiest. It is where I am now, where I am when I create and where my mother must have been living in Pakistan.
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