Vipassana January 2024

 January 15 to January 24 vipassana 2024

It is the morning of going into the temple for my seventh ten day vipassana, beginning in 2016. I’m in the hotel restaurant eating my last traditional breakfast because all of the meals will be Thai in the temple.   I am conscious if I have remembered everything I need for the ten days in the temple. There is not much in my suitcase, it is half full of a memory foam and a comforter to sleep on so I don’t have too much pain in my old hips in the platform bed with only a yoga mat that the temple provides. The other half is full of my white clothing required by the temple.  It is amazing how little we need. To live with so little allows me to appreciate the pleasures I have in my home. During my vipassana last year, the monk to whom I report told me I needed to live where people love me. So I moved from California to North Carolina to be with my sister and her family.  Over the last six months of living in my beautifully decorated home and close to my loving family in Durham, I know this has been a solid and good decision. It is one of the many benefits of these vipassanas that allow me  to clear my mind to make these positive decisions in my life.  I wonder what decisions will be made this time. 

The morning of January 16 2024

I awake after my first night of my vipassana.  I was pleased that I coincidentally got assigned to the room I had last time.  I told the monk who assigns the room and he was also surprised.  And are there no coincidences?  I am happy I am in a room of familiarity, it is like I never left eleven months ago.  With no thought, I moved the bed as I did last year, to face the door and the the view of the outside. I enjoyed reading my notes from last year wherein the decision was made to move to the east coast.  It did became a reality sooner than I predicted. I am grateful of this time to slow down and make these life changing positive decisions.  I was also thankful to hear when I checked in yesterday that I will be reporting to the monastic teacher who I have reported to most years during my vipassanas.  I look forward to my first reporting with her this morning and thanking her for her guidance in my decision to move to the east coast to be close to my family, a decision which has been a great one.  

Late afternoon on January 16

What is the benefit of my vipassanas?  I clear my mind of all everyday clutter and am able to make future plans as I did last year with my move.   This year I predict there would be no change of plans.  I predict that this will be an affirmation that I am on the right journey.  Yes there may be some fine tuning as these days pass.  But as I declutter my mind, I have reflected on my future plans.  And all seems good.  Planning my schedule a year ahead gives me security.  I am enjoying my trips, visits to Cabo, Tahoe, and Thailand and my visits to California every other month.  And mostly I am enjoying my extra time spent with family living close by to all of them, my sister, my niece and her husband, my nephew and his wife and children, my cousin.  Life is good and this time of slowing down allows me to appreciate my life, my travel, my health and being close and spending time with family.

The morning of January 18

Third day of vipassana

The time has gone quickly unlike years before.  These first days were always difficult in the past vipasanas but I find this year I am able to get quickly into the rhythm of my days.  One must meditate, there is nothing else to occupy the time.  No phone and a great realization once again how attached we become to this device.   Why have these days been easier?  I feel like last year I was struggling with an uneasiness of my life being away from family.  I did not know this until I entered my ten days last year and struggled during these days to make a decision.  The decision was made, the move was made and now this year, I am not struggling with any big decisions. There is peace.  During one of my meditation sessions yesterday, the word “truth” came to mind.  I feel I am living my “truth.” 

These words referencing to “truth” struck me in a book written by  the renown monk Honorable Dr. Phra Dmmarmamangalajrn “Path to Nibbana” gifted to me by my reporting monk at my last reporting.

“To gain an insight into the three characteristics of impermanence, suffering, and non-self, the meditator has to contemplate the body/mind in the present moment while they are arising and ceasing perpetually. When the concentration is strong, the mind that usually wonders moving one thing to another becomes calm and still.  In this state the mind, focusing on mindfulness and acknowledging, sees and knows only what has never before been seen or known.  The mind then perceives to become satisfied to preserve the truth that there is the body/mind which keeps arising and ceasing”.

I found a magazine in the grocery store before I left only on the subject on creating mindfulness through meditation.  Being one who values research accomplishing a dissertation testing the significance on teaching kindness to the young children,  I value this academic research. I kept the pages that confirmed these proven benefits of meditation.  There are many including heightened immune system, happiness, memory, lack of anger, worry and stress, and being able to focus better.  It was nice to read about the research and to know that mediation has had these benefits in my own life.  

My plans are to get involved more in my home of Durham with meditation groups and see if there is a need there to form a group of my own.  I do think I have unique experiences to share and I am missing my sangha group in Ventura.  This would create a sangha group in Durham. I could start very small and find others who are interested in meeting once a week.  I have already made steps by discussing with pastor LIndy and Nancy Ruth in my new church to start a group.  We would include walking the labyrinth before church every Sunday that I am there.   I feel excitement with this plan and a need and desire to move into a teacher role. 

The morning of January 19

These days are not without difficulty and slow because nothing is here accept meditation.  There are times of restlessness and wishing the days would pass faster.  I am now waking up to my fifth day.  I do have feelings of more peace and less restlessness as the days pass.  Some of my meditations have been rich but others are difficult to settle in to and when I do, sleep is a hindrance.  I notice that looking around at others during their sittings, sleep is not uncommon.  I watch them as their heads fall forward.  

One beautiful part of the ten days is “Buddha Day” which occurs every Thursday evening which was last night.  All the meditators light candles and walk as a group around the pagoda three times in respect to the Buddha.  Then we place our lit candle, incense and flowers on the base of the over a thousand year old pagoda.  I have up and down thoughts of questioning why I am here but always like in the past, I have experienced that the greatest benefit is after the ten days are completed.  The walk with fellow meditators around the pagoda is a very spiritual and uplifting moment and I reflect as I am walking. It is necessary and beneficial to me that I continue my journey to attend my Vipasssana here annually.  All doubt has left me in this experience and flows into lack of doubt this morning.  

The morning of January 21

Sunday morning has always been the most enlightening day of the week for me.  And today is no exception.  Although I have resisted when my monk gives me the assignment to be “in determination,” I accepted whole heartedly today.  She asked me about it at the beginning of the week and I told her I did not want to do it.  But now that the days have given me this peace and relaxed feeling, my fear of it has disappeared.  I was actually excited and proud that she felt I was ready and prepared to end my time with the one day of “in determination”.  Originally my first “in determination” was for three days and at that time I was more serious about following the rules.   I have learned over these years that this vipassana experience is what I personally make it and I am in charge of my own journey.   Two friends from California came by on Friday on their Asian travel trip. As I introduced them to one of my monastic teachers who is in charge of the foreign office, I told my friends that he was the one in charge of me.  He corrected me and said “No, Kate is in charge of her self”.  A sign saying “in determination, please do not disturb” now hangs on my door.  During these next 24 hours of “in determination,” I only complete my mediation cycles in my room.   One of the kitchen staff has just come by to hang my lunch in plastic bags on my door on top of the sign.  One is told to try not to sleep but my monastic teacher who I report to and gives me my assignment, told me in my reporting to stay awake until the body shuts down for these next 24 hours.  The note that was left in my room by the previous meditator is brought to my mind.  Her words were a turning point in these vipassana journeys.  “They have lots of rules here, follow what you can but remember to do what comes natural to you in pursuit of your own journey”.   

The morning of Jan 22

I had the most vivid dream I have ever had.  It felt like it was total reality.  I have always said one reason I come to do these vipassanas is that I have visitors from those who have died.  This dream was about my dear Sophie.  Yes, a dog, but a dog more important to me in her fourteen years than most people.  My sister was in the dream with me and we were playing with another dog I owned, Jack, a Jack Russell.  My sister was trying to help me feel better and trying to convince me how special Jack was and I agreed but said he was not the same as Sophie.  I was sad because I had lost Sophie but not from death because she was alive and missing.  A very scruffy bearded man drove up in an old truck with Sophie and said he had come a long distance to bring her back to me.  I remembered at the moment I had given Sophie to this man because he was someone known to spiritually be able to tell what is physically wrong with an animal and know how long they will live.  He told me he had bad news because Sophie’s heart was not in its right place and she would die soon on her own but it would be best to put her out of her misery now.  This had happened to Sophie in reality and the vet had put her to sleep to her death five years ago as I held her in my arms.  I was comforted by this dream that I could hold Sophie in my arms once more and feel her heart and her love.  Did Sophie in this dream represent all the people who have passed on, my mother, my father, and George?  These are people who have felt their presence in this place during my vipassanas  in years before.  And during this determination, I am grateful Sophie came to me to represent that all of these loved ones are still present with me.  I feel this dream was most significant because this year more than others, I had no predictions or expectation of having visitors and they came naturally.  I remember the words of Ajahn Sukito when I said on my visit November before last to just come spend a morning and meditate, I said I had the deepest meditation that morning.   He said it is the energy of the place and the many years of meditation which have taken place here by so many. 

Morning of January 23

Happy Birthday to Phra Ajahn Suphon!  One reason I scheduled my vipassana for this week is that there is an annual celebration for Phra Ajahn Suphon, the head monk here and many temples in Thailand.  It is an especially important one because in the last year, he has had a close death experience with brain clots.  He is better now but the people here in the temple and outside the temple or showing their gratitude and wishes for his continued better health.  The temple is full of vendors gifting their food.  The temple is full of people coming from outside the temple to celebrate his birthday, bringing gifts to all the monks who live here to show their respect for creating good merit and loving kindness to the world.  When walking over to the kitchen to get my hot water for my coffee at four o’clock this morning, the temple was full of people preparing for the event.  

I have my closing ceremony after breakfast at seven this morning. My bed is stripped of sheets I will return to the foreign office and my bag is packed.  I look forward to my freedom outside of the temple.  This time away from the outside activity brings a heightened appreciation of my freedom in the outside world.  I look forward to having my phone returned to me after my closing and communicating with my loved ones. I will stay for the celebration this morning and return to my hotel after I sample the delicious food and pay my respects to Phra Ajahn Suphon.  

A new beginning

I have not written in a while.  

I am back.   

It has been on my to do list.  

So I begin to write again.  

One of my favorite places to write is on a plane.  At present I am looking down on this great Pacific Ocean traveling from Lax to Cabo San Lucas.  One reason I decided to make my primary home in Ventura California is that it was an only two hour plane trip to Cabo, a place I have visited three times in the last year.  I had planned more trips except after my first trip with my sister in February of 2019, the pandemic hit us. This is my third trip this year, 2021. 

I am honored to be asked to facilitate meditation retreats at the Thai temple in Goleta.  The schedule is posted on my co facilitator’s site purnamaya.com

I have just completed my fourth Vipassana
December 2018

Yesterday afternoon during my daily reporting with Prah Ajahn Suphon, the head monk at Wat Ram Poeng in Chiang Mai, Thailand, I was "released from "voluntary solitary confinement," my phrase for what the temple calls "in determination."   When I came for my third Vipassana this past January, I was told when I had completed my ten days by the nun who is head of the foreign office at the Wat that during my next visit, it is time for my "in determination" what she referred to as “graduation.”  There is an option for meditators to come for a 26 day stay and do their "in determination" at the end of their stay.  My stays have been ten days, fifteen days, ten days, and this time twelve days, consecutively.  Adding them all up, I have meditated at the temple on my first three Vipassanas  a total of 35 days and now 47 days total. So I added some days to this visit to prepare for it as she instructed, one needed at least 12 days, maybe more, because preparation for "in determination" was necessary and during the daily reports with the monk, he will decide when you are ready.  So five days ago, Prah Ajahn Suphan told me I would be going "in determination" after reporting the the next evening.  The next evening, he handed me a sign instructing me to hang it on my bedroom door, with the words:

IN DETERMINATION
PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB
THANK YOU

This morning as I type these words sitting on the balcony outside my guest house room overlooking the Ping River in Chiang Mai, I am feeling more refreshed and happy than I have ever been in my life.  I can not describe in words the feeling.  I feel I received a message from the universe this morning checking my email for the first time in two weeks, from one of my Krishnamurti daily messages.  I am not in the habit of reading these daily but happened to open this one which was sent nine days ago.

This message affirms my belief that this experience is too difficult to express in words the feelings which come from it.  And possibly it may take away from the benefits of the experience if I try too hard to explain it in words, especially that of being in complete solitude during "in determination" and meditating continually without sleep.  As always, when I am completing my Vipassana and it's challenges of hour after hour of meditating, especially wondering when the timer is going to go off during eventually a total hour of walking meditation, I wonder at those times why I put my self through this and think that I will never be back after this one.   I wanted to write these words this morning, especially for my own reminder that it is the feelings when you walk away from the experience which are the great benefit, those feelings of happiness and true clarity.  When I got back last night from the temple to the beautiful guest house where I stay every year, I was still having this feeling that I may never return to the Wat.  But after a total of at least eight hours of the most restful sleep I have ever had, except for being awakened one time with a severe cramp in my foot I had to walk off,  I awoke with great contentment and a pure joy of life.  The Ying Yang of life, it is like the conversation I will always remember I heard years ago between my then four year old nephew David and his four year old girlfriend, Lily.   They began a discussion on death in the back seat of my sister's car because we had just passed a graveyard. They agreed that death happens some time when you get very sick.  But some times you get sick because when you are sick, you feel better after you are sick than you felt before you are sick.  Is this not one of the reasons to put my self through this annual experience of a Vipassana?  Is it that after Vipassana, one experiences the every day life outside of the experience in a deeper way?


Quotes from J. Krishnamurti:

Effort is distraction from what is.
We must understand the problem of striving. If we can understand the significance of effort, then we can translate it into action in our daily life. Does not effort mean a struggle to change what is into what it is not, or what it should be, or what it should become? We are constantly escaping from what is, to transform or modify it. He who is truly content is he who understands what is, who gives the right significance to what is. True contentment lies not in few or many possessions, but in understanding the whole significance of what is. Only in passive awareness is the meaning of what is understood. I am not, at the moment, talking of the physical struggle with the earth, with construction or a technical problem, but of psychological striving. The psychological struggles and problems always overshadow the physiological. You may build a careful social structure, but as long as the psychological darkness and strife are not understood, they invariably overturn the carefully built structure.
Effort is distraction from what is. In the acceptance of what is, striving ceases. There is no acceptance when there is the desire to transform or modify what is. Striving, an indication of destruction, must exist so long as there is a desire to change what is.
The Book of Life, August 28, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995


The flash of understanding
I do not know if you have noticed that there is understanding when the mind is very quiet, even for a second; there is the flash of understanding when the verbalization of thought is not. Just experiment with it and you will see for yourself that you have the flash of understanding, that extraordinary rapidity of insight, when the mind is very still, when thought is absent, when the mind is not burdened with its own noise. So, the understanding of anything—
—of a modern picture, of a child, of your wife, of your neighbor, or the understanding of truth which is in all things—can only come when the mind is very still. But such stillness can not be cultivated because if you cultivate a still mind, it is not a still mind, it is a dead mind.
... The more you are interested in something, the more your intention to understand, the more simple, clear, free the mind is. Then verbalization ceases. After all, thought is word, and it is the word that interferes. It is the screen of words, which is memory, that intervenes between the challenge and the response. It is the word that is responding to the challenge, which we call intellection. So, the mind that is chattering, that is verbalizing, cannot understand truth—truth in relationship, not an abstract truth. There is no abstract truth. But truth is very subtle. It is the subtle that is difficult to follow. It is not abstract. It comes so swiftly, so darkly, it cannot be held by the mind. Like a thief in the night, it comes darkly, not when you are prepared to receive it.
The Book of Life, September 6, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995

Free from the net of time
Without meditation, there is no self-knowledge; without self- knowledge, there is no meditation. So, you must begin to know what you are. You cannot go far without beginning near, without understanding your daily process of thought, feeling , and action. In other words, thought must understand its own working, and when you see yourself in operation, you will observe that thought moves from the known to the known. You cannot think about the unknown. That which you know is not real because what you know is only in time. To be free from the net of time is the important concern, not to think about the unknown, because you cannot think about the unknown. The answers to your prayers are of the known. To receive the unknown, the mind itself must become the unknown. The mind is the result of the thought process, the result of time, and this thought process must come to an end. The mind cannot think of that which is eternal, timeless; therefore, the mind must be free of time, the time process of the mind must be dissolved. Only when the mind is completely free from yesterday, and is therefore not using the present as a means to the future, is it capable of receiving the eternal. ... Therefore, our concern in meditation is to know oneself, not only superficially, but the whole content of the inner, hidden consciousness. Without knowing all that and being free of its conditioning, you cannot possibly go beyond the mind’s limits. That is why the thought process must cease, and for this cessation there must be knowledge of oneself. Therefore meditation is the beginning of wisdom, which is the understanding of one’s own mind and heart.
The Book of Life, December 22, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995


Meditation
I am going step by step into what is meditation. Please don’t wait till the end, hoping to have a complete description of how to meditate. What we are doing now is part of meditation.
Now, what one has to do is to be aware of the thinker, and not try to resolve the contradiction and bring about an integration between thought and the thinker. The thinker is the psychological entity who has accumulated experience as knowledge; he is the time-bound center that is the result of ever-changing environmental influence, and from this center he looks, he listens, he experiences. As long as one does not understand the structure and the anatomy of this center, there must always be conflict, and a mind in conflict cannot possibly understand the depth and the beauty of meditation.
In meditation there can be no thinker, which means that thought must come to an end—the thought which is urged forward by the desire to achieve a result. Meditation has nothing to do with achieving a result. It is not a matter of breathing in a particular way, or looking at your nose, or awakening the power to perform certain tricks, or any of the rest of that immature nonsense. ... Meditation is not something apart from life. When you are driving a car or sitting in a bus, when you are chatting aimlessly, when you are walking by yourself in a wood or watching a butterfly being carried along by the wind—to be choicelessly aware of all that is part of meditation.
The Book of Life, December 23, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995


Aloneness is not loneliness
Though we are all human beings, we have built walls between ourselves and our neighbors through nationalism, through race, caste, and class—which again breeds isolation, loneliness. Now a mind that is caught in loneliness, in this state of isolation, can never possibly understand what religion is. It can believe, it can have certain theories, concepts, formulas, it can try to identify itself with that which it calls God; but religion, it seems to me, has nothing whatsoever to do with any belief, with any priest, with any church or so-called sacred book. The state of the religious mind can be understood only when we begin to understand what beauty is; and the understanding of beauty must be approached through total aloneness. Only when the mind is completely alone can it know what is beauty, and not in any other state.

Aloneness is obviously not isolation, and it is not uniqueness. To be unique is merely to be exceptional in some way, whereas to be completely alone demands extraordinary sensitivity, intelligence, understanding. To be completely alone implies that the mind is free of every kind of influence and is therefore uncontaminated by society; and it must be alone to understand what is religion—which is to find out for oneself whether there is something immortal, beyond time.

The Book of Life, December 2, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995

I have just found a draft below never published transcribed from part of my journal written during my second year of meditation.  I will work on transcribing more of my journal.  My third Vipassana was with my cousin in January of 2018.  I did not journal much this time.  I returned for a fourth time in December of 2018 and return for a fifth time this November 2019.  

January 14, 2017 day two

It has been easier than I thought it would be.  My grandson, Tyler gave me the awareness when he asked if I were excited about going to Thailand. I realized how apprehensive I was, not looking forward to the first days since it had been so difficult last year. Now here this first evening and the following morning have been pleasurable, it proves I am in a different place. No fears, no trying to control and analyze my future, more present. I am learning more and able to let go, we should look upon our future with happiness, not worries because we have no idea what the future brings.  We only have this present moment.

Sunday, January 15 day three

I have the title of old student now not because I am old but because I have been here before. Every now and then the foreign Monk guide asked me to explain things to the new students. Only one other student in this large group of 25  has been here before but her stay was in 2004. Sarah lives in Italy and is from New Zealand.  The group is mostly travelers and dual resident meditators. There are very few Americans, mostly Europeans in this group, one man is from Colorado who teaches ESL in China.  

Today the women reported to the female monk and the men to the male monk and we will continue to alternate our reporting visits with each teacher during our stay. I came a few minutes early and was able to see the monk first.  I did my three bows to show my respect to and expressed

how grateful I was for her inspiration.  In the opening, she asked those of us who had been here before to stay longer, giving us each instructions individually. I told her I had been meditating an hour each day since leaving last year, she smiled with pride at me. She gave me a card which told me to start with step three alternating with 30 minutes of sitting.   

Today's mediation was rewarding, because I was determined to sit through the pain in my left hip, normally always having to change positions to lessen the pain.  Toward the end, I was so happy that
my pain disappeared and felt proud that my practice was advancing to finally take the advise of many monks to accept and release the pain. When I walked to breakfast after my first walking and sitting practice, I felt a difference in my walk, as if I had been to a pt appointment.

January 16 Monday Day Four

The superior monk was not there at his home as he was every reporting period last year, we reported to an assistant monk, Prah Along.  I showed him the instruction card the female monk had given me.  He told me I was not supposed to do the fourth step until I had breathed into all the points, he showed me the sitting Buddha with the white dots and instructed me to breathe into six of the twenty eight points.  I will remember to ask the female monk about their conflicting instructions.  

After reporting, I chose to return to the patio our aide last year's room on the second floor.  There are memories of sitting there last year with fellow meditators, Deborah and Rose.

Prostration walking sitting photos

The following photos are copied from a book I received during one of my five annual vipassanas in Wat Rampoeng in Chiang Mai Thailand.  They exhibit in visual form the tools I have been learning these last four years of my ten days of silence.  The first two photos show the specific positions of the prostrations.  Beginning at four am each morning with five sets of two hour meditation periods during each of the consecutive days of silence, three bows are preformed.  The second two photos are the six walking positions.  When beginning the first year in 2015, the monk told me to begin with the first step and as days passed during my daily afternoon reportings with the monk, he or she advanced me through the steps eventually getting to the sixth step.  The fourth photo is the specific way of turning when you reach the end of your chosen path.   The last two photos are the proper way of meditative sitting and the 28 breathing points.  The Thai monks have a saying, "Do not feed the monkey in your brain."  I have found in these last years of my knowledge of the breathing points and practicing these points during my daily meditations, it helps me to get the monkey out of my brain and release all thoughts except that of being present.  True your breath cannot go to these places but as you take these conscious breaths, you focus your thought on these points of your body.

Vippassana January 2016


March 2016

I am pleased that with the exception of a few days of too many things on my to do list, I have reserved time to meditate daily.  I did wonder during my ten days if I would continue this practice.  While in the temple, my thoughts would sometimes wonder about future places to meditate and come up with plans to meditate on my front balcony, at the beach either on the sand or the board walk, on Clara and Bill's back deck, and on the top of the roof at my Florida apartment  building overlooking the lake.  The first day after the end of my ten days, I awoke in Galare Guest House in Chiang Mai, lit candles and put my two small Buddhas purchased in the temple shop on the dresser, began with my three slow bows, walked out on the balcony wearing my Dad's white pajamas and did my forty minute walking mediation followed by my forty minute sitting meditation. I surprised the employee coming up the steps in the dark to turn off the porch lights, from his reaction stopping in his tracks, I think he thought I was a ghost.  Returning to Bangkok for two weeks, my place was walking around the pool, I loved walking on the flat tile edge surrounding the pool and feeling the water running under my feet into the drain.  It reminded of my walking meditation times in my favorite place I named the Buddha Garden and feeling the moss under my feet growing on the hundred plus years uneven tiles.  And today I found a new place as I walked down an outside passage way at LAX airport before my flight.  I just completed meditating on the plane but have found leaning against something as the plane seat, it is too easy to fall asleep especially after waking at three this morning to get from Ventura to LA to catch this early flight.

May 2016

I now have quite a list of places I have meditated since leaving the temple.  As I write these words, I look over my meditation spot from this morning, my Grandfather's fishing pond.  I have come here to spend time in this historical place of my upbringing.  This morning I was so pleased with a vision and conversation with my grandfather during my meditation.  He came to me to remind me of his strong love for the pond.  The pond was our tool of communication and sharing of love with him.  I was sitting meditating close to the spot of the most vivid memory of Granddaddy.  It was the day he helped me catch a large fish, he was as happy as I was when we pulled it out of the water and he told me it was the biggest fish any of his grandchildren had caught.  Speaking to my siblings and cousins later in life, they tell me they remember similar experiences of catching the largest fish.  Whether it was truth or not, he gave me pride and confidence, thank you for this Granddaddy.  And this morning during my sitting meditation on the edge of your pond, your figure floated into the right side of my mind as did the figure that asked me to come with him in the Buddha garden.  You shared with me your love for the pond and the memory of us all, my siblings and cousins, riding in the back of your red truck to get to the pond.  You shared your love and support of us and your desire to be with us and you shared your love of your beautiful pond with us.  In my meditation, you told me this is where you wished to spend all of your time, is fishing the most meditative place with nature and teaching the patience of waiting for the feel of that desired nibble on the hook?  Maybe it is you who has given me this genetic makeup to meditate regularly.  I come inside and ask my aunt if it was true that Granddaddy wanted to spend all his time here.  She told me there was one year he bragged about fishing every day and Grandmother would join him some to read a book at the cabin.  Now the cabin is much larger and a home for my uncle and aunt.  You have gifted this love for this special place for all of us.  And now as you fished every day, I meditate every day.
My list of places include the balcony of my apartment in Ventura, the beach in Ventura, the boardwalk in Ventura, the sidewalk at the LAX airport, the balcony overlooking the woods at Clara and Bill's home, Liz's balcony outside her bedroom, the creek behind my school, the lake in front of my Dad's house in Lakeland, the rooftop of my apartment building in Lakeland, the lake in front of my apartment, the chair facing the lake in my apartment, the upstairs room looking over the marsh at my sister's beach house, the crow's nest on top of her house and the side balcony at my sister's house in Holden Beach, and now my grandfather's fishing pond.
I'm always seeking out new places and new people as like these places, as like a gypsy.

July 2016

Several months have passed since I have written this list of the places I have meditated and more places have been added to the list.  Living in Florida part-time, I regularly meditate on the steps leading down to Lake Mirror in front of my apartment building, on the rooftop is nice if it's not too hot, and beside my apartment, there is a garden with tiles that reminds me of walking on the mossy tiles in the Buddha garden in Thailand. I have taken a few road trips both to the Florida East Coast and West Coast and love walking meditation in shallow water at the beaches.  Another spot at my apartment is walking around the pool and just today it was so hot I decided to swim before my sitting meditation, what a pleasure it was to discover walking meditation in the pool, and holding on to the side of the pool, I was able to do it with my eyes closed, it felt like flying. I have discovered more pleasure in the walking meditation after doing it so regularly.  It is difficult to explain the sensation in words received by walking so meticulously and slowly. One explanation I have arrived at is that it is like falling into one's self.

These are my notes I wrote daily during my 10 day Vipassana at Wat Ram Poeng in Chiang Mai, Thailand:

October 2016




January 9th

The beginning of my first Vipassana.  I feel sure I can make it through these ten days with peace, rest, and gratitude for this gift.  Not coincidentally that it is children's day today, planes were flying in formation to celebrate the day as my friend Kris drove me into the temple.  I also overheard the sound of the air show planes overhead as we ate our lunch in silence with the monks.  On this first day, it has been what I expected.  It has brought back memories of my Buddhism classes in the eighties with Roger, a colleague teaching with me at the International School Bangkok.  He was one in those days who chose to be a Buddhist monk for a year and he shared in his Buddhist classes his experience in the temple.  I was envious of men at that time in the eighties who could experience the temples, foreign women were not allowed to do so and it is always something I have wished to experience.  Now it is my time.


January 11th

After two full ten and a half hour days of meditation, I am not sure of any thoughts that last.  These two days have been extremely difficult. Mostly as I walk and sit in mediation, my thoughts are wishing the time would pass faster.  We meet with two teachers a nun and monk, alternatively late in the afternoon.  We sit and wait our turn with several of our co meditators.  We go up in front of them after bowing three times to the Buddha next to them and three times to the teacher as respect to Buddha and the teacher.  The male teacher, Prah Ajahn Suphan, asked me what I was thinking while meditating.  I told him I don't think much and some times I am thinking about thinking, meta cognition.  I told him people come to me in my mind but no one recognizable.  The monk laughed and responded, "day dreams."


January 12th

My morning meditation was the best thus far.  I have read on the internet that others experience that the first three days are the most difficult.  I finally relaxed into the moment, there became no more thoughts of wishing the time would move faster.  My walking became more slow.  I concentrated my awareness on each small moment.  When I got to each wall in walking mediation, I would consciously say in my brain, stopping, stopping, stopping, intending to turn, intending to turn, intending to turn, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, conscious of each moment of lifting my foot, balancing as like in Pilates, and placing it on the floor to ground my body.  I am thankful for these experiences which I can scaffold upon with this new experience, like the balance I learned in Pilates that I can carry forward to the balance in walking mediation.  And my experience of swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean helps me survive a cold shower every day.

In my second meditation today, a temple cat came to lie in my lap and later followed me back to my room.  This was a simple pleasure for which I was grateful.

January 13th

During my two o'clock sitting meditation, there was an answer to my fear of death.  I was in a hospital bed dying and in the background was a light of many luminous Buddhas lining a tunnel that appeared to go on forever.  Again meditation came easier today, not counting the minutes to be finished, being more in the moment.  I am still having difficulty meditating for thirty  minutes.  I wonder why since at home I can easily meditate for an hour.  Maybe it is because this is constant meditation, one session after another, walking, sitting, walking sitting . . . .
I have stopped worrying about having no contact with the outside world and people trying to get in touch with me.

It has been difficult fasting after lunch.  I do drink soy milk purchased at the temple store between the last two mediation sessions and eat a little fruit, one of the best things in Thailand, fresh papaya and pineapple, that I have discovered can be purchased from the motorcycle vendor that comes daily and parks behind the temple store.  I also have missed and craved raw vegetables.  Last night walking back from evening meditation around the pagoda, there was a huge basket of heads of raw cabbage outside the kitchen and I could not resist taking one.  But after doing this theft, I looked up and saw a camera on the edge of the roof, hoping I had not been filmed and would be caught.  I worried when the monk came to my meditation friend Rose and asked to talk to her.  I broke my silence by asking her what he wanted and he spoke to her about not drinking coffee before breakfast outside the dining room telling her the rule that it could allowed to be taken into the dining room with her.  I was relieved it was not about me taking cabbage for fear they may ask me to leave and cut my ten days short.  I was getting used to this silent thing and really did not want to leave.  I was half way through now and feeling the benefits of the experience.



January 14th

I have discovered to be grateful for simple pleasures. I moved the bed over from the corner to the middle of the room so that both sides are open and in view of the side windows and bathroom window.  I'm on the second floor and a corner from with cross ventilation and a view of the top of the trees and roof tops the one floor dining and and kitchen rooms next door.  Sometimes the smell of cooking remind me of bacon frying but no such luck.  The quintessential  Thai breakfast is served, Thai noodle soup with such things as squid and fish balls or whatever the cooks choice is that morning.  Every time I eat a fish ball, I am reminded of the scene in the Vietnam movie with Robin Williams when he is served soup from a street vendor and he asks what the balls are made of in the soup and his Vietnamese friend answers that they are fish balls.  Robin responds, "I did not know fish had balls".

My fellow meditators come from all over the world, most have never been to Thailand.  I am grateful to fall back on all the knowledge from my four years of living here, knowledge of fish balls, mosquito coils, chin chuck lizards covering the walls and making their familiar to me "chin chuck" sounds, and a bit of the Thai language form my course in Thai in the eighties.  I imagine I am here when I meditate in my temple in Ventura, now in this present moment, I am really here, enjoying the sounds and smells and culture of Thailand once again.  As I write, I hear at least four different bird calls from up in the trees.  For the first full three days we could only meditate in the library, now we are set free as like a bird and trusted to keep up our meditation practice on our own and trusted to choose where we want to meditate.  I will begin again my second two hours of the day meditating out on the balcony outside my room.  the first days we began alternating walking for fifteen minutes each, setting a kitchen timer to know when to switch from walking to sitting practice.  We meet late in the afternoon personally with our teachers, alternating from the nun to monk to get instructions as to when to expand our times, how to walk and breathe and to get answers to questions we have.  Now I am up to thirty minutes , always beginning with walking.  I will begin again, it is 8:15.

January 15

It is between first and second two hour meditations.  I am now in a consistent routine:
At four am, the temple bell rings starting with slow quiet rings, then loud quick ones for a few minutes.  If the bell does not awaken you after your six hour sleep, the many dogs around the outside neighborhood chiming in will.  It takes me about ten minutes to put on white clothing I have laid out the night before, wash my face, brush my teeth and make my bed.  I have chosen the balcony down the hall from my room to meditate along with three others who have chosen this spot.  A few times, I walk down the path to the pagoda to do my walking around it and have also visited what I call the Buddha garden, walking around the large Buddha in the middle of the tile laden garden coved with moss.  The moss feels wonderful on my bare feet.  I make my three bows and begin my walking mediation as usual.  I eventually make it to the narrow side balcony, it is next a residence where a Thai nun lives, many times when I am walking on my balcony, she is walking beside me on hers.  She has become a teacher for me in that I follow her cadence and stride.  After my reporting to my teacher last night, I was instructed to expand my meditation times to 35 minutes, alternating walking with sitting as always.  I end at 6:20 to give my self time to get coffee to take to breakfast.  Again called by the temple bell, we follow after the monks who sit at the front of the dining room.  We line up to be served our soup and take our places around sitting on the floor on a pad at one of the round tables.  Followed by prayers, chanting and collaborative readings, we are told to begin eating.  After completing our meals, we wash our own plates in bowls of soapy and plain water.  I go to the small store to buy  yogurt and soy milk for subsidence for later in the day since we only eat breakfast and lunch and fast for the rest of the day.  And now it is this time for writing.  It is now 8:05 and I need to begin my second two hour meditation in a few minutes so I am finish by the time the lunch bell rings at 10:30. After lunch, I go for a walk and begin my third two hour meditation at 12:15.  Between third and fourth meditations, I take my cold shower and report to one of my teachers at 5:15 after my fourth meditation.  Afterwards, I eat my meager supper and end my day with my fifth and  last two hour meditation.  Today Mom came to me in my early morning sitting meditation asking for forgiveness for not showing me the love she was unable to show because of her own unhappiness.  She wished she had lived in a time when she could choose her desires of having more of a career instead of being a stay at home mom.  I thank her for her sacrifice of braiding my hair and serving food that gave us the ability for our own quality of life and assured her this was her love shown to us in these ways and so much more.  Like my nun teacher on the neighboring balcony who shows me how to walk meditatively in the present moment, you my dear mom have shown me how to walk in life.  You were a superior model who shared her love and acceptance not only to her children but to the world, encouraging me and my sister Alice to be women with meaningful careers.  I walk in your honor and know that you are walking beside me.

Saturday January 16, 7:30 AM
Monk Day

I placed 25 baht on the tree outside the dining room in gratitude for our monk. He has introduced us to our practice, the same monk I spoke to by phone before I arrived. I am pleased to discover that I should not try to correct what has been working for me in my sitting meditations at home. Struggling with different ways to be comfortable in sitting meditation and knowing that I could sit easily for up to an hour at home, why can I not here? I added lift to my sitting as I do at home with a towel and found my comfort once again, my morning meditation was without looking at the timer every 10 minutes wishing for the end because of my lack of comfort. There was more peace felt after this morning's early morning meditation and I look forward to my remaining sittings my last three days.

I know this meditation has been good for me toward letting go of the loves of my life. At times during meditation, each of these loves of my life have come into my mind. And the big message I find is to let go of these loves and be grateful for the memories that each of them have given me.


January 17  7:40 to 7:55

I can with certainty say I am ready to stay.  I can see why the temple monk recommended 15 days.  Just this morning on the ninth day, I was truly able to enjoy the moment of each step in walking meditation over the uneven and moss laden tiles of my favorite garden.  Walking around the large Banyan tree, like the tree Buddha meditated underneath.  The symbols of Buddha surround the tree to which we make our three salutations before beginning our meditation. I was able to be in the moment of each breath in my sitting meditation today, not projecting nor desiring the now very familiar sound of the timer beeps to signify the end of the 35 minutes requested time by my teacher. Clarity comes when one is in the moment. There is thought but not all of the time, sometimes it is thought that I project and other times when the mind is empty and the monkey is still, thoughts and people come to you with important messages. Today an orange clothed monk came to me and called me his sister and told me he would protect me from harm and suffering. Thoughts of Scottsdale Arizona where I did lots of counseling to try to save my marriage came to me today.  My healing in this place gave me gratitude and a decision came to me to return there for a follow-up visit as part of my journey.   A thought that I will return to this very temple every year for Vippassana and insightfulness came to me.  Another thought came to me that I must protect myself from the advice of others who love me but know not what is truly the best for me. I must be the one to decide this. Following sitting meditation, I spoke the words confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, and power in my steps, words learned of importance in our lives from the nun's dharma talk this morning.  Not surprising it is Sunday, seems like my revelations always happen on this the most holiest of days.  We attended the dharma talk this morning given by one of our two teachers who we alternate reporting to daily with the exception of yesterday which was Buddha day.  Instead of reporting to one of our teachers, we all attended a celebration last night. Pra Ajahn Suphon, one of our teachers, gave a long talk in Thai about Buddha day and then we were requested to hold a candle, incense and orchids as we walked around the pagoda three times, followed by placing our candles, incense, and flowers on the altar of the pagoda.  Afterwards, we return to the ornate temple where our teacher led the monks and and meditators in a 30 minute meditation. It was powerful and spiritual to participate in this group meditation with the monks.  And oh yes of great importance was a meal I have been waiting for all week, my favorite noodle soup was served this morning, bom mee.  It is a soup I eat regularly from the vendors on the street in Thailand. I have found no restaurant in the states that can duplicate this unique taste. I went back for seconds for the first time for breakfast.


January 17 12 o'clock

"Come with me".
A figure in a flowing robe came from above to me standing on the ground. My eyes were closed as usual but I could see him standing in front of me through the right part of my brain.
"I cannot, it is not my time to go with you", I answered during this brief encounter during my second sitting today.  As I meditatively walk following this sitting, tears welled up in my eyes realizing the magnitude of this encounter and grateful to have been given this knowledge, an answer to my fear of death. I now will return to my Buddha garden for another two hour period.


January 18

My second favorite soup was served this morning, lad na not as much of a craving because this dish is replicated well in restaurants in the states, but of course more authentic here.

I shared my vision of the figure asking me to come with him during my reporting with my nun teacher yesterday.  She took it with no surprise and laughed saying,
"Yes, you have more to do here".

I ask myself, "What do I have to do"?
I know that time will tell and I will be a better listener because of the grounding that I have experienced here. To my mind came the words from the nun in her dharma talk,
"Confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, power.

I must remember these words to listen for what I have left to do in this life.

In my morning meditation, the monkey was finally still enough to have insights given to me. Past experiences came to me of the strong desire to be accepted and loved by others.  I would allow myself to be controlled by others to reach this goal. It is time to change this goal and accept that all I need is the love for self.

Between breakfast and lunch, I had two very peaceful meditations, one sitting on my bed and the other walking around the pagoda. Walking around the pagoda, there was a very balanced feeling and a strong feeling of the stability of the ground beneath my feet.


January 19

I completed my closing ceremony this morning. My group of ten will have theirs later today because my friend Chris will be picking me up at 4 o'clock.  I was given permission to do my closing this morning with a Thai group of two others.  I was told to go to the meditation where the Thais do their morning meditation retreat.  After walking and sitting meditation with them, all but three of us from a group of thirty stayed behind. The monk asked why I was there and I told him I was given permission to come by teacher, Pra Supan Ajahn Suphan. He directed me to sit and he facilitated a ceremony of repeating Pani readings for homage to the triple gem, going to three refuge, the five precepts, all stated in our book received on our first day.  At the end of the ceremony, a few tears came, realizing this the end of the ten days and feeling a great pride in my self for succeeding in fulfilling this journey.  Making it through the first few days is at the top of my list of the most difficult challenges in my life. I can see this is why people leave. Except for one fellow student in my class getting sick and leaving, all others made it through to the end but I do know from some sharing with others that they were not truthful with what was requested by the teachers to complete the required meditation hours. I am proud to know that I meditated the requested times. During my last meditation in the Buddha garden as has happened many times when no thoughts are initiated by me and I am free of thought so that messages can come from where I am not sure I just know I did not create them.

My last very significant message and the most clearest of messages:

"It is time to go home".  I translated this as meaning:

"HOME TO MY SELF"