Vippassana January 2016


March 2016

I am pleased that with the exception of a few days of too many things on my to do list, I have reserved time to meditate daily.  I did wonder during my ten days if I would continue this practice.  While in the temple, my thoughts would sometimes wonder about future places to meditate and come up with plans to meditate on my front balcony, at the beach either on the sand or the board walk, on Clara and Bill's back deck, and on the top of the roof at my Florida apartment  building overlooking the lake.  The first day after the end of my ten days, I awoke in Galare Guest House in Chiang Mai, lit candles and put my two small Buddhas purchased in the temple shop on the dresser, began with my three slow bows, walked out on the balcony wearing my Dad's white pajamas and did my forty minute walking mediation followed by my forty minute sitting meditation. I surprised the employee coming up the steps in the dark to turn off the porch lights, from his reaction stopping in his tracks, I think he thought I was a ghost.  Returning to Bangkok for two weeks, my place was walking around the pool, I loved walking on the flat tile edge surrounding the pool and feeling the water running under my feet into the drain.  It reminded of my walking meditation times in my favorite place I named the Buddha Garden and feeling the moss under my feet growing on the hundred plus years uneven tiles.  And today I found a new place as I walked down an outside passage way at LAX airport before my flight.  I just completed meditating on the plane but have found leaning against something as the plane seat, it is too easy to fall asleep especially after waking at three this morning to get from Ventura to LA to catch this early flight.

May 2016

I now have quite a list of places I have meditated since leaving the temple.  As I write these words, I look over my meditation spot from this morning, my Grandfather's fishing pond.  I have come here to spend time in this historical place of my upbringing.  This morning I was so pleased with a vision and conversation with my grandfather during my meditation.  He came to me to remind me of his strong love for the pond.  The pond was our tool of communication and sharing of love with him.  I was sitting meditating close to the spot of the most vivid memory of Granddaddy.  It was the day he helped me catch a large fish, he was as happy as I was when we pulled it out of the water and he told me it was the biggest fish any of his grandchildren had caught.  Speaking to my siblings and cousins later in life, they tell me they remember similar experiences of catching the largest fish.  Whether it was truth or not, he gave me pride and confidence, thank you for this Granddaddy.  And this morning during my sitting meditation on the edge of your pond, your figure floated into the right side of my mind as did the figure that asked me to come with him in the Buddha garden.  You shared with me your love for the pond and the memory of us all, my siblings and cousins, riding in the back of your red truck to get to the pond.  You shared your love and support of us and your desire to be with us and you shared your love of your beautiful pond with us.  In my meditation, you told me this is where you wished to spend all of your time, is fishing the most meditative place with nature and teaching the patience of waiting for the feel of that desired nibble on the hook?  Maybe it is you who has given me this genetic makeup to meditate regularly.  I come inside and ask my aunt if it was true that Granddaddy wanted to spend all his time here.  She told me there was one year he bragged about fishing every day and Grandmother would join him some to read a book at the cabin.  Now the cabin is much larger and a home for my uncle and aunt.  You have gifted this love for this special place for all of us.  And now as you fished every day, I meditate every day.
My list of places include the balcony of my apartment in Ventura, the beach in Ventura, the boardwalk in Ventura, the sidewalk at the LAX airport, the balcony overlooking the woods at Clara and Bill's home, Liz's balcony outside her bedroom, the creek behind my school, the lake in front of my Dad's house in Lakeland, the rooftop of my apartment building in Lakeland, the lake in front of my apartment, the chair facing the lake in my apartment, the upstairs room looking over the marsh at my sister's beach house, the crow's nest on top of her house and the side balcony at my sister's house in Holden Beach, and now my grandfather's fishing pond.
I'm always seeking out new places and new people as like these places, as like a gypsy.

July 2016

Several months have passed since I have written this list of the places I have meditated and more places have been added to the list.  Living in Florida part-time, I regularly meditate on the steps leading down to Lake Mirror in front of my apartment building, on the rooftop is nice if it's not too hot, and beside my apartment, there is a garden with tiles that reminds me of walking on the mossy tiles in the Buddha garden in Thailand. I have taken a few road trips both to the Florida East Coast and West Coast and love walking meditation in shallow water at the beaches.  Another spot at my apartment is walking around the pool and just today it was so hot I decided to swim before my sitting meditation, what a pleasure it was to discover walking meditation in the pool, and holding on to the side of the pool, I was able to do it with my eyes closed, it felt like flying. I have discovered more pleasure in the walking meditation after doing it so regularly.  It is difficult to explain the sensation in words received by walking so meticulously and slowly. One explanation I have arrived at is that it is like falling into one's self.

These are my notes I wrote daily during my 10 day Vipassana at Wat Ram Poeng in Chiang Mai, Thailand:

October 2016




January 9th

The beginning of my first Vipassana.  I feel sure I can make it through these ten days with peace, rest, and gratitude for this gift.  Not coincidentally that it is children's day today, planes were flying in formation to celebrate the day as my friend Kris drove me into the temple.  I also overheard the sound of the air show planes overhead as we ate our lunch in silence with the monks.  On this first day, it has been what I expected.  It has brought back memories of my Buddhism classes in the eighties with Roger, a colleague teaching with me at the International School Bangkok.  He was one in those days who chose to be a Buddhist monk for a year and he shared in his Buddhist classes his experience in the temple.  I was envious of men at that time in the eighties who could experience the temples, foreign women were not allowed to do so and it is always something I have wished to experience.  Now it is my time.


January 11th

After two full ten and a half hour days of meditation, I am not sure of any thoughts that last.  These two days have been extremely difficult. Mostly as I walk and sit in mediation, my thoughts are wishing the time would pass faster.  We meet with two teachers a nun and monk, alternatively late in the afternoon.  We sit and wait our turn with several of our co meditators.  We go up in front of them after bowing three times to the Buddha next to them and three times to the teacher as respect to Buddha and the teacher.  The male teacher, Prah Ajahn Suphan, asked me what I was thinking while meditating.  I told him I don't think much and some times I am thinking about thinking, meta cognition.  I told him people come to me in my mind but no one recognizable.  The monk laughed and responded, "day dreams."


January 12th

My morning meditation was the best thus far.  I have read on the internet that others experience that the first three days are the most difficult.  I finally relaxed into the moment, there became no more thoughts of wishing the time would move faster.  My walking became more slow.  I concentrated my awareness on each small moment.  When I got to each wall in walking mediation, I would consciously say in my brain, stopping, stopping, stopping, intending to turn, intending to turn, intending to turn, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, beginning to walk, conscious of each moment of lifting my foot, balancing as like in Pilates, and placing it on the floor to ground my body.  I am thankful for these experiences which I can scaffold upon with this new experience, like the balance I learned in Pilates that I can carry forward to the balance in walking mediation.  And my experience of swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean helps me survive a cold shower every day.

In my second meditation today, a temple cat came to lie in my lap and later followed me back to my room.  This was a simple pleasure for which I was grateful.

January 13th

During my two o'clock sitting meditation, there was an answer to my fear of death.  I was in a hospital bed dying and in the background was a light of many luminous Buddhas lining a tunnel that appeared to go on forever.  Again meditation came easier today, not counting the minutes to be finished, being more in the moment.  I am still having difficulty meditating for thirty  minutes.  I wonder why since at home I can easily meditate for an hour.  Maybe it is because this is constant meditation, one session after another, walking, sitting, walking sitting . . . .
I have stopped worrying about having no contact with the outside world and people trying to get in touch with me.

It has been difficult fasting after lunch.  I do drink soy milk purchased at the temple store between the last two mediation sessions and eat a little fruit, one of the best things in Thailand, fresh papaya and pineapple, that I have discovered can be purchased from the motorcycle vendor that comes daily and parks behind the temple store.  I also have missed and craved raw vegetables.  Last night walking back from evening meditation around the pagoda, there was a huge basket of heads of raw cabbage outside the kitchen and I could not resist taking one.  But after doing this theft, I looked up and saw a camera on the edge of the roof, hoping I had not been filmed and would be caught.  I worried when the monk came to my meditation friend Rose and asked to talk to her.  I broke my silence by asking her what he wanted and he spoke to her about not drinking coffee before breakfast outside the dining room telling her the rule that it could allowed to be taken into the dining room with her.  I was relieved it was not about me taking cabbage for fear they may ask me to leave and cut my ten days short.  I was getting used to this silent thing and really did not want to leave.  I was half way through now and feeling the benefits of the experience.



January 14th

I have discovered to be grateful for simple pleasures. I moved the bed over from the corner to the middle of the room so that both sides are open and in view of the side windows and bathroom window.  I'm on the second floor and a corner from with cross ventilation and a view of the top of the trees and roof tops the one floor dining and and kitchen rooms next door.  Sometimes the smell of cooking remind me of bacon frying but no such luck.  The quintessential  Thai breakfast is served, Thai noodle soup with such things as squid and fish balls or whatever the cooks choice is that morning.  Every time I eat a fish ball, I am reminded of the scene in the Vietnam movie with Robin Williams when he is served soup from a street vendor and he asks what the balls are made of in the soup and his Vietnamese friend answers that they are fish balls.  Robin responds, "I did not know fish had balls".

My fellow meditators come from all over the world, most have never been to Thailand.  I am grateful to fall back on all the knowledge from my four years of living here, knowledge of fish balls, mosquito coils, chin chuck lizards covering the walls and making their familiar to me "chin chuck" sounds, and a bit of the Thai language form my course in Thai in the eighties.  I imagine I am here when I meditate in my temple in Ventura, now in this present moment, I am really here, enjoying the sounds and smells and culture of Thailand once again.  As I write, I hear at least four different bird calls from up in the trees.  For the first full three days we could only meditate in the library, now we are set free as like a bird and trusted to keep up our meditation practice on our own and trusted to choose where we want to meditate.  I will begin again my second two hours of the day meditating out on the balcony outside my room.  the first days we began alternating walking for fifteen minutes each, setting a kitchen timer to know when to switch from walking to sitting practice.  We meet late in the afternoon personally with our teachers, alternating from the nun to monk to get instructions as to when to expand our times, how to walk and breathe and to get answers to questions we have.  Now I am up to thirty minutes , always beginning with walking.  I will begin again, it is 8:15.

January 15

It is between first and second two hour meditations.  I am now in a consistent routine:
At four am, the temple bell rings starting with slow quiet rings, then loud quick ones for a few minutes.  If the bell does not awaken you after your six hour sleep, the many dogs around the outside neighborhood chiming in will.  It takes me about ten minutes to put on white clothing I have laid out the night before, wash my face, brush my teeth and make my bed.  I have chosen the balcony down the hall from my room to meditate along with three others who have chosen this spot.  A few times, I walk down the path to the pagoda to do my walking around it and have also visited what I call the Buddha garden, walking around the large Buddha in the middle of the tile laden garden coved with moss.  The moss feels wonderful on my bare feet.  I make my three bows and begin my walking mediation as usual.  I eventually make it to the narrow side balcony, it is next a residence where a Thai nun lives, many times when I am walking on my balcony, she is walking beside me on hers.  She has become a teacher for me in that I follow her cadence and stride.  After my reporting to my teacher last night, I was instructed to expand my meditation times to 35 minutes, alternating walking with sitting as always.  I end at 6:20 to give my self time to get coffee to take to breakfast.  Again called by the temple bell, we follow after the monks who sit at the front of the dining room.  We line up to be served our soup and take our places around sitting on the floor on a pad at one of the round tables.  Followed by prayers, chanting and collaborative readings, we are told to begin eating.  After completing our meals, we wash our own plates in bowls of soapy and plain water.  I go to the small store to buy  yogurt and soy milk for subsidence for later in the day since we only eat breakfast and lunch and fast for the rest of the day.  And now it is this time for writing.  It is now 8:05 and I need to begin my second two hour meditation in a few minutes so I am finish by the time the lunch bell rings at 10:30. After lunch, I go for a walk and begin my third two hour meditation at 12:15.  Between third and fourth meditations, I take my cold shower and report to one of my teachers at 5:15 after my fourth meditation.  Afterwards, I eat my meager supper and end my day with my fifth and  last two hour meditation.  Today Mom came to me in my early morning sitting meditation asking for forgiveness for not showing me the love she was unable to show because of her own unhappiness.  She wished she had lived in a time when she could choose her desires of having more of a career instead of being a stay at home mom.  I thank her for her sacrifice of braiding my hair and serving food that gave us the ability for our own quality of life and assured her this was her love shown to us in these ways and so much more.  Like my nun teacher on the neighboring balcony who shows me how to walk meditatively in the present moment, you my dear mom have shown me how to walk in life.  You were a superior model who shared her love and acceptance not only to her children but to the world, encouraging me and my sister Alice to be women with meaningful careers.  I walk in your honor and know that you are walking beside me.

Saturday January 16, 7:30 AM
Monk Day

I placed 25 baht on the tree outside the dining room in gratitude for our monk. He has introduced us to our practice, the same monk I spoke to by phone before I arrived. I am pleased to discover that I should not try to correct what has been working for me in my sitting meditations at home. Struggling with different ways to be comfortable in sitting meditation and knowing that I could sit easily for up to an hour at home, why can I not here? I added lift to my sitting as I do at home with a towel and found my comfort once again, my morning meditation was without looking at the timer every 10 minutes wishing for the end because of my lack of comfort. There was more peace felt after this morning's early morning meditation and I look forward to my remaining sittings my last three days.

I know this meditation has been good for me toward letting go of the loves of my life. At times during meditation, each of these loves of my life have come into my mind. And the big message I find is to let go of these loves and be grateful for the memories that each of them have given me.


January 17  7:40 to 7:55

I can with certainty say I am ready to stay.  I can see why the temple monk recommended 15 days.  Just this morning on the ninth day, I was truly able to enjoy the moment of each step in walking meditation over the uneven and moss laden tiles of my favorite garden.  Walking around the large Banyan tree, like the tree Buddha meditated underneath.  The symbols of Buddha surround the tree to which we make our three salutations before beginning our meditation. I was able to be in the moment of each breath in my sitting meditation today, not projecting nor desiring the now very familiar sound of the timer beeps to signify the end of the 35 minutes requested time by my teacher. Clarity comes when one is in the moment. There is thought but not all of the time, sometimes it is thought that I project and other times when the mind is empty and the monkey is still, thoughts and people come to you with important messages. Today an orange clothed monk came to me and called me his sister and told me he would protect me from harm and suffering. Thoughts of Scottsdale Arizona where I did lots of counseling to try to save my marriage came to me today.  My healing in this place gave me gratitude and a decision came to me to return there for a follow-up visit as part of my journey.   A thought that I will return to this very temple every year for Vippassana and insightfulness came to me.  Another thought came to me that I must protect myself from the advice of others who love me but know not what is truly the best for me. I must be the one to decide this. Following sitting meditation, I spoke the words confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, and power in my steps, words learned of importance in our lives from the nun's dharma talk this morning.  Not surprising it is Sunday, seems like my revelations always happen on this the most holiest of days.  We attended the dharma talk this morning given by one of our two teachers who we alternate reporting to daily with the exception of yesterday which was Buddha day.  Instead of reporting to one of our teachers, we all attended a celebration last night. Pra Ajahn Suphon, one of our teachers, gave a long talk in Thai about Buddha day and then we were requested to hold a candle, incense and orchids as we walked around the pagoda three times, followed by placing our candles, incense, and flowers on the altar of the pagoda.  Afterwards, we return to the ornate temple where our teacher led the monks and and meditators in a 30 minute meditation. It was powerful and spiritual to participate in this group meditation with the monks.  And oh yes of great importance was a meal I have been waiting for all week, my favorite noodle soup was served this morning, bom mee.  It is a soup I eat regularly from the vendors on the street in Thailand. I have found no restaurant in the states that can duplicate this unique taste. I went back for seconds for the first time for breakfast.


January 17 12 o'clock

"Come with me".
A figure in a flowing robe came from above to me standing on the ground. My eyes were closed as usual but I could see him standing in front of me through the right part of my brain.
"I cannot, it is not my time to go with you", I answered during this brief encounter during my second sitting today.  As I meditatively walk following this sitting, tears welled up in my eyes realizing the magnitude of this encounter and grateful to have been given this knowledge, an answer to my fear of death. I now will return to my Buddha garden for another two hour period.


January 18

My second favorite soup was served this morning, lad na not as much of a craving because this dish is replicated well in restaurants in the states, but of course more authentic here.

I shared my vision of the figure asking me to come with him during my reporting with my nun teacher yesterday.  She took it with no surprise and laughed saying,
"Yes, you have more to do here".

I ask myself, "What do I have to do"?
I know that time will tell and I will be a better listener because of the grounding that I have experienced here. To my mind came the words from the nun in her dharma talk,
"Confidence, patience, non-attachment, love, power.

I must remember these words to listen for what I have left to do in this life.

In my morning meditation, the monkey was finally still enough to have insights given to me. Past experiences came to me of the strong desire to be accepted and loved by others.  I would allow myself to be controlled by others to reach this goal. It is time to change this goal and accept that all I need is the love for self.

Between breakfast and lunch, I had two very peaceful meditations, one sitting on my bed and the other walking around the pagoda. Walking around the pagoda, there was a very balanced feeling and a strong feeling of the stability of the ground beneath my feet.


January 19

I completed my closing ceremony this morning. My group of ten will have theirs later today because my friend Chris will be picking me up at 4 o'clock.  I was given permission to do my closing this morning with a Thai group of two others.  I was told to go to the meditation where the Thais do their morning meditation retreat.  After walking and sitting meditation with them, all but three of us from a group of thirty stayed behind. The monk asked why I was there and I told him I was given permission to come by teacher, Pra Supan Ajahn Suphan. He directed me to sit and he facilitated a ceremony of repeating Pani readings for homage to the triple gem, going to three refuge, the five precepts, all stated in our book received on our first day.  At the end of the ceremony, a few tears came, realizing this the end of the ten days and feeling a great pride in my self for succeeding in fulfilling this journey.  Making it through the first few days is at the top of my list of the most difficult challenges in my life. I can see this is why people leave. Except for one fellow student in my class getting sick and leaving, all others made it through to the end but I do know from some sharing with others that they were not truthful with what was requested by the teachers to complete the required meditation hours. I am proud to know that I meditated the requested times. During my last meditation in the Buddha garden as has happened many times when no thoughts are initiated by me and I am free of thought so that messages can come from where I am not sure I just know I did not create them.

My last very significant message and the most clearest of messages:

"It is time to go home".  I translated this as meaning:

"HOME TO MY SELF"