I sit on our California balcony looking over the calm and calming waters of the Pacific. My neice, Katherine aka K2 asked me what I do all day now that I am not in a traditional job. What a good question to reflect upon. I will answer you K2 as I reflect with the help of my writing. This word "reflect" is part of the answer it self. Work keeps us from this time. We spoke the other night at the Christmas party sitting facing each other about how we both have that genetic make up of feeling guilty if we are not productive. Are we raised with this? How we must always preform based on someone else's expectation.
Lately, I have been reading daily quotes from Krishnamurti and he speaks continually of holding on to our individuality and not conforming to the masses. Yes, K2, in our upbringing and any child's upbringing we should not avoid following the guidance of our parents but I am learning that there must be a balance between the two, conforming to the outside world but without losing our individuality. My habit in my life has been to stay busy and when we do this too much, we do not take the time to "reflect" on our selves, our thoughts, our behaviors.
I think this first reflection should be based on if we are living to our highest potential, first and foremost are we true to our selves to not lose this self, whether it be in our most significant partner, a parent, or a sibling, etc. Give but do not give away our "self" "Love is not meant to stay, it is not love until it is given away" This was a quote that was on one of your brother's wedding cards to he and his new wife. We must first love our selves for who we are not who someone else wants us to be. I feel our first love is to our selves, but I feel this card did not express this very important value. This time to reflect on holding on to this balance is one way I spend my time these days.
The weather says it's 60
but the sun
on my face
feels like 75
there is much comfort
sitting on the deck
with Buddha by my side
I feel a presence next to me
when I think of
the memory of Bangkok
my memory is of a person
who was with me
but I know I was traveling alone
was I really alone or
was that presence I felt
my protector
My theta
my self
protecting my child
I feel like it happened after I gifted my monk.
Is it my mother and your grandmother K2 or my nanny?
I spoke to Liz the other day and expressed after our conversation that I should and she should write down what we said, should have done it right after our conversation but let me reflect now on what we said. It is the same about my conversations with George. I read to her one of my daily meditations from Khrishnamurti, about "riding on the bus" and meditation does not have to be done standing on one's head, it is every present moment, to be present, to be thoughtful, to be aware of our behavior and the ripples it makes in the world around us.
The words that struck me most were "being aware of how we push others around" this control of others that we are unaware of, yes we may accept this behavior as a way to take care of the world of people around us but it is only a selfish act to take care of our selves and our own needs. But it is only taking care of what we want in the future, it is not taking care of our selves in the present, for it is only the predication of what we may think we need to give us joy. So we are projecting and we are out of the moment when we "push others around" to conforming them to what we think is good for their lives, something we can not possibly know.
In my meditations or thoughts, or just sitting as I am now pondering and reflecting on any thoughts I may have, I feel this is an important one to reflect upon, in blessed free time I have in my life. It is back to the question you asked me K2, how do you spend your time if you are not going to work? And now my thoughts lead me back to gratitude of my value of "being productive" This new years goal I have of writing keeps me focused on some some sort of productivity, writing down the thoughts. This is a form of sharing them, if not only to my self to others if they care to read them and inspire them to go on such a journey.
It is all a form of creating, thoughts written down on paper are a way to understand your "self" in a deeper way as like the paint brush put to canvas or beads put together into a piece of jewelry that one feels better when they wear. It brings me back to another piece I wrote about the dance step, the paint stroke and the written word. It adds meaning to our lives. After creating, I feel more whole, I feel joy. I feel that it comes from deep in side, not something I have done for some one else's approval but for my "self" alone.
I'm in the process of writing and perchance the doors will open to these words being published if it is meant to be. But these words may be only meant for me and a blog and go no further. This is an example in and of it self of trusting the process, the value of this present moment.
My writing is not only based on education but broader to include all relationships.
I have been a restaurant writing and I turn to watch a child inspect her high chair closely
It's about how we learn to be happier by seeing and observing as like a child. To be a child to be in the present moment with no expectations of the future.
Trusting our present and our future as if we had a parent taking care of us
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